Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Did an asteroid really do in the dinosaurs?

The economy.

The economy is about as poor a blog subject as the weather, isn't it?

So be it, and here's a thought: If matter can neither be created nor destroyed and, aside from a few deep-space probes and some Martian landers, nothing has ever left the grasp of earth's gravity, where does all this economic fluctuation come from?

Still with me? My point is that nothing in the world has materially changed, and yet the whole planet is feeling the effects of the slowing economy. But why? We all still need to eat and clothe ourselves. We all still want someplace warm and dry to live. We all still like to play video games and watch movies and surf internet porn.

Wait.... did I just figure this whole thing out? Could it be that free internet porn has finally crossed that threshold from being a massively wasteful time-sink (not to mention being sinfully deviant) and has now actually achieved a sort of gridlock on the once-productive human populace? Seems plausible to me, given the lack of any other readily observed inputs. It's like a mass extinction, the only other phenomenon that could cause this kind of global effect on humanity, the difference being that there was no ice sheet, volcano or asteroid setting this one off and the casualties are still walking, breathing and consuming Doritos, like Zombies except instead of a single-minded urge to eat brains these walking dead are driven to seek the flat-screen glow of digitized genitalia.

Hey, if you've got a better idea, let's hear it. I guess you could argue that the whole economy is predicated upon the consumption of unnecessary goods that are ultimately harmful to both the people who produce them and those who buy them, and that such a foundation-less system is bound to collapse, but is that really a more likely culprit than porn?

Of course not. Now quit looking at boobies and go buy a car.

15 comments:

surviving myself said...

Are you bad mothing porn??? No way man. NO WAY!

Courtney said...

It's as plausible an explanation as any I've heard, of course. Are you saying we should take the $500 tax credit Obama is planning for us and use it on porn?

JustinS said...

So I guess you're on board with China's attempts to eradicate internet porn? You commie.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Is it okay if I don't want boobies OR a new car? Or am I contributing to the economic downfall of our country?

Allie said...

That damn porn bringing down society as a whole.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Are you saying that free internet porn has made people stop working? Or is that that free porn has made people stop spending money and adding money to the economy because they no longer need to pay for boobies?

Noelle said...

You just reminded me that I'm really behind in my porn watching. I was so worried about the economy, I forgot to get off.

I hate the fact that we're all failing because we stopped spending. And it's not like we stopped spending because we realized that we don't need lives that are full of crap. Because wal-mart was the only place that did well this holiday season. So everyone should spend more so we can then rightfully tell them to stop.

Julie said...

I flipped through radio stations today and the morning show personalities were talking about the politicians efforts to create a "pole" tax at strip clubs. I couldn't tell if they were joking.

A Free Man said...

What about premium porn, the stuff you pay for? Wouldn't that help the economy. Can I look at pay-per-boobies?

sid said...

I heard that Joe Francis from the Girls Gone Wild enterprise is looking for a bailout. Guess free porn is putting him out of business?

Stefanie said...

Hmm. Blogger just ate my comment, telling me that I couldn't post it because it was a duplicate action. Anyway, I was just going to tell you that you should take this idea to MSNBC. It makes at least as much sense as any other explanation the so-called experts are feeding us.

If my first comment DID actually come through and it's just hiding from me, feel free to delete what is now actually a duplicate, m'kay?

Rachel said...

You know, I was following you until you mentioned boobies, and then that's all I could think about. I echo Courtney's comment -- I'm using my potential stimulus check to buy sex furniture.

By the by, thanks for all your comments on my blog. It's good to hear from you!

Chris said...

This is brilliant insight, without question, but about the headline...

Are you suggesting the dinosaurs were destroyed by their love of dino-porn? And now humans are following in their giant fossilized footsteps?

You're probably right. And yet, I have the powerful urge to create a dinosaur porn website.

Jacob said...

I want a Vespa-type scooter and would settle for cheap nudie magazine. I'm just a frugal little bitch.

Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch


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