It’s not often that I find myself in the dollar store, but when I do my cost-value (read: cheap bastard) antennae rise up to twice their usual height and sharpen to twice their usual sensitivity. I have to duck getting through the door. The dollar store might seem like the sort of place a frugal fellow (tightwad) like me could relax, but I see it more as the perfect proving ground for the value-conscious shopper (penny-pinching dumpster diver.)
Everything’s a dollar. The playing field is level. Comparisons are a cinch, and quite ridiculous. Look over there! A broom for a buck! And check that out- one dollar for a can of Vienna sausages!
Broom = Vienna sausages. Value abounds.
But of course at the grocery store the same broom would cost at least a few dollars and that can of processed eyeballs and assholes would set you back only fifty cents. And thus the game is on. Dollar Tree sets the hard line for comparison and it’s up to you to decide on which side each item falls. And it’ll only cost you a buck.
And so it went recently as I picked myself up a mother’s day card (never sent) and a Rubbermaid container, the perfect size for taking soup to work. And at the check-out line, feeling like I had made two excellent and well-informed value-based decisions, feeling victorious, the dollar store turned over its trump card:
A pregnancy test. For one dollar.
My antennae are sending out sparks. There just may be some things in life that are worth spending a little extra cash on in exchange for quality assurance. Like parachutes, for example. And space capsules. Submarine hatches also come to mind.
And pregnancy tests. If I thought I might be knocked up, I’d want the frickin’ gold-plated Rolls-Royce of pee sticks, all burled walnut and chrome, optional in-dash navigation system and DVD player included. Or a doctor. Some things you want to be sure of.
Not to mention if you're picking up your pregnancy tests at the dollar store (or your potted meat, for that matter), we all fervently pray to Allah, Buddha, Jesus and Shiva the Destroyer that that little plastic urine tester turns up negative.
But value is value, so touché, Dollar Tree.
Pregnancy test = Vienna sausages.