Tuesday, June 2, 2009

But they don't sell condoms, which doesn't seem right

It’s not often that I find myself in the dollar store, but when I do my cost-value (read: cheap bastard) antennae rise up to twice their usual height and sharpen to twice their usual sensitivity. I have to duck getting through the door. The dollar store might seem like the sort of place a frugal fellow (tightwad) like me could relax, but I see it more as the perfect proving ground for the value-conscious shopper (penny-pinching dumpster diver.)

Everything’s a dollar. The playing field is level. Comparisons are a cinch, and quite ridiculous. Look over there! A broom for a buck! And check that out- one dollar for a can of Vienna sausages!

Broom = Vienna sausages. Value abounds.

But of course at the grocery store the same broom would cost at least a few dollars and that can of processed eyeballs and assholes would set you back only fifty cents. And thus the game is on. Dollar Tree sets the hard line for comparison and it’s up to you to decide on which side each item falls. And it’ll only cost you a buck.

And so it went recently as I picked myself up a mother’s day card (never sent) and a Rubbermaid container, the perfect size for taking soup to work. And at the check-out line, feeling like I had made two excellent and well-informed value-based decisions, feeling victorious, the dollar store turned over its trump card:

A pregnancy test. For one dollar.

Check mate.

My antennae are sending out sparks. There just may be some things in life that are worth spending a little extra cash on in exchange for quality assurance. Like parachutes, for example. And space capsules. Submarine hatches also come to mind.

And pregnancy tests. If I thought I might be knocked up, I’d want the frickin’ gold-plated Rolls-Royce of pee sticks, all burled walnut and chrome, optional in-dash navigation system and DVD player included. Or a doctor. Some things you want to be sure of.

Not to mention if you're picking up your pregnancy tests at the dollar store (or your potted meat, for that matter), we all fervently pray to Allah, Buddha, Jesus and Shiva the Destroyer that that little plastic urine tester turns up negative.

But value is value, so touché, Dollar Tree.

Pregnancy test = Vienna sausages.

14 comments:

Meaghan said...

Yikes! I can assure you when I made that fateful trip to CVS for a pregnancy test, I was proud that it did not cost $1.

Similar topic: A box of condoms at Wal-Mart (I know, I know... Wal-Mart) has one of those alert strips on it that sets the alarm off if you walk out the door without it having been deactivated. Please tell me why on earth THAT can't be stolen. As one cashier said to me, they ought to be handing those things out in the parking lot.

Courtney said...

Your description of the Rolls Royce of pregnancy tests made me laugh out loud (which you know, since you were standing right next to me.) And then Meaghan's comment made me laugh even more. They really should be giving those things away!

For the record, people, Mickey was not in the market for a pregnancy test. Unless he's worried that he's knocked up some other girl, in which case his life will soon be over. You understand.

Allie said...

One of my friends found out about her son with a dollar store preg test. They'd been trying for awhile and got tired for spending 8-12 bucks a pop. She figured it was worth a try.

Personally, I think buying meat from the dollar store is far far worse. It's not like you're eating a pregnancy test. You're just peeing on it. Well, not you. The collective you.

Although, hey, whatever floats your boat.

erin said...

A high school friend of mine totally got busted for stealing condoms from Target. I wonder if he'd have gone to the dollar store instead.

Julie said...

I wonder if the Vienna sausages - when eaten in dollar store abundance - could cause a false positive on the dollar store pregnancy test a la Liz Lemon's 30 Rock fiasco?

Stefanie said...

My parents are both avid Dollar Store shoppers. I'm pretty sure my dad has bought Vienna sausage at the Dollar Store. At the very least, he's bought beef jerky there. He buys a lot of crap he does not need and will never use, but I'm going to hope he still never ever bought a pregnancy test there.

Chris said...

A navigation system would be a nice touch on a pregnancy test.

A Free Man said...

You sir are wasted on Wyoming. I think you belong back in the civilized world.

When my special lady friend had an inkling that she may be with child, I was dispatched to the pharmacy and I definitely went for the most expensive pregnancy test. Digital. Seriously.

Ann said...

A dollar store pregnancy test. Why am I thinking of the Squidbillies? Great journal!

sid said...

Well there's a peeing on a stick and then there's the waiting for 9 months to see if anything pops out of your vagina technique.

Blues said...

There are certain things that you just don't want the bottom of the barrel aren't there?

My grandparents used to go to this weird place to buy food where everything was damaged and expired. Fair enough, they had 9 kids to feed in their time. I'm definitely one for bargain shopping, but dude, I'm not eating expired food. And I sure as shit ain't taking a pregnancy test from a dollar store. Give me the diamond encrusted one.

Jud said...

I think we got our pregnancy test there....maybe that explains something about or daughter.

Eh,, pregnant is pregnant.

The Modern Gal said...

I have nothing to add to this except that I'm reading at work and apparently have irked my officemate for laughing so hard and refusing to tell him why. Thanks.

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