Friday, January 9, 2009

All-over-the-place Friday

Before too many of you scan ahead and see the word football and immediately click away from here and go back to your beloved eastern-European porn site (Seriously, why are eastern Europeans so hot? Is it because they don't have enough to eat?) (I joke, people, and tastelessly... don't go and get an eating disorder on my account.) (End parentheticals.), I promise there is more to come after this brief sports diversion.

So the final college football game of the season was played last night and purportedly left the winner, Florida, as the national champion. This is incorrect. As pointed out by King Kaufman of, the true national champ is not Florida, or the snubbed Texas Longhorns, or even undefeated Utah. The team that truly deserves to hoist that crystal trophy is the squad from Tulane University. Kaufman explains:

The Green Wave went 2-10 this year, but they made those wins count. One of them was over Louisiana-Monroe, so I think you see my point.

No? OK: Tulane beat Louisiana-Monroe, who beat Troy, who beat Middle Tennessee, who beat Maryland, who beat Wake Forest, who beat Mississippi.

Aha! Mississippi!

What do you mean, so what? Ole Miss beat Florida. But that's not all. The Rebels also beat Texas Tech, who beat Texas, who beat Oklahoma. There's a direct line of losing from both teams in the BCS Championship Game to Tulane.

That's what makes Tulane, last seen losing 45-6 to Memphis, your 2008 national champion.

It makes as much sense as anything else.

And here's my bit for the football-averse among you:

Is anyone else like me in that, despite the firing of every neuron in your brain telling you to change the channel to something, anything less nauseatingly crass, commercial and base, you cannot, even if your life depended on it, turn away from those TV advertisements selling compilation CD sets of old, shitty music? You know, the ones that seem to go on for hours in an endless loop?

In particular, that one with Bowser from Sha Na Na (who, incidentally, eats at the Carnegie Deli, occasionally with Arthur Fonzarelli) for the "Oldies but Goodies" collection is absolutely captivating. In this one, it's not that the music is so bad (it's just old), but Bowser's incessant hamming to the camera that keeps me enthralled. He's dressed in black jeans, high tops, and a black tee with the sleeves rolled up like he's about to jump into his '48 Chevy convertible and challenge James Dean to a drag race. Except that Bowser is old and paunchy and James Dean has been dead for fifty years. It's sad and hilarious.

The other one that nearly diverted my attention from the football game entirely last night is called "Romancing the '70s", pitched by an aged, bewigged Tony Orlando. The effect of this one is sort of like eating those snot- and puke-flavored jelly beans, where your curiosity about how much worse it can get keeps you involved beyond all reason. I used to be regularly enraptured by the commercial for the soft rock compilation featuring those two guys from Air Supply, but "Romancing" collects the music that is even softer, slower and more gonad-shriveling. Truly, despite the title, I doubt anyone ever got laid while listening to Anne Murray or Neil Sedaka. Watching the clips of these feathery-haired singers of the seventies singing their cheesy Top Forty hits one after another is like watching a never-ending string of car crashes, if the car crashes were all introduced faux-enthusiastically by Tony Orlando, who clearly needs the money to keep himself in high-end hair pieces.

If I'm lucky, however, I know that one day, thirty years from now, I will be flipping through the channels only to find, at the extreme end of the dial, a fat, wrinkly and balding Lance Bass selling us "The Insufferable Millennial Dance Hits Collection." It won't be on CDs, of course (music files being primarily transferred through thought waves on the Steve Jobs-created MindWeb), and it'll cost $8,000 (inflation's a bitch.) Lance will need the money, though, since the Republicans are back in power and have finally, after decades of trying, instituted the Gay Tax.


Chris said...

Ah, the Gay Tax. To be immediately preceded by the Jew Tax, because those dudes have way too much money socked away.

What? We can't make stereotypical Jew jokes here?

surviving myself said...

I can't get into college football until there's a playoff system in place.

With that said, NFL playoffs this weekend baby!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Chris and I watched a good thirty minutes of the commercial for "Love Songs from the Seventies" because we couldn't tear our eyes away. I hear you on this one.

Allie said...

This is why I watch TV online or from Netflix now. I am way to susceptible to getting sucked in to the infomercial void. I can also watch HSN for hours even though I've never bought anything from it.

Noelle said...

Did you ever see that Far Side cartoon about "What We Say" and "What Dogs Hear?" Because dogs hear "Rex blah blah blah blah Rex blah blah blah."

That's what happens to me when I read posts about sports, and then I know that the rest wasn't in sports talk, but I was already reading in dog language.

The Modern Gal said...

Ok, I had to stop after reading the football bit because my brain wouldn't get past how BRILLIANT Tulane as national champ is. Seriously, I am on this bandwagon.

I did glance just far enough to notice the mention of Bowser. I met him one time. He was, well, Bowser.

The Modern Gal said...

Ok, on second thought ... wouldn't that mean Ole Miss gets a share of the title too since they were the ones to beat Florida and Texax Tech?

Courtney said...

I'm sure I could turn off those commercials if my life depended on it. But it would be tough. It's worse when you feel yourself actually wanting to buy it. I've never gone that far, though, and hopefully never will.

I'm going to go ahead and declare myself the national champion. Why not? It makes as much sense as Tulane or Florida. Alas, Tim Tebow is not on my side.

Julie said...

Your porn viewing seems to be increasing. Your infomercial watching has increased. Your blog posting has increased. Mickey, I'm starting to worry that you really need a job.

Jacob said...

I agree with Julie. I never realized that Mickey watched so much porn until he's mentioned it in every post for a month now.

And I read that column too. Interesting, although I'm not sure I really want a playoff. It's too much fun shit talking the BCS. Playoffs just don't have that soap opera quality of the BCS system.

Arjewtino said...

Dude, you might be a genius.

I canNOT change the channel when Bowser is doing that infomercial. I just can't. Yet I'm disgusted watching.

A Free Man said...

I refuse to acknowledge Florida as national champion. Until they beat the undefeated Utes, which is not going to happen, they have not proven themselves. So the argument for Tulane is as good as any I've seen.

Of course, I might be a little biased.

Rachel said...

I love the Air Supply infomercial, but then again, I love any infomercial. The more pathetic for the people shilling said crap, the more I like it. (See also: Mr. T. mugs for the FlavorWave, DailyNewsie sits and watches the whole thing.)