Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Vitamin Water can suck it, too

I don’t believe in resolutions (if it’s worth resolving, why not do it Dec. 31?), but I wanted to take part in the craze. So here’s a list of bullshit marketing ideas that I resolve to ignore in 2008. You should, too.

100% Black Angus Beef- Dead cow meat is dead cow meat. Don’t let them fool you.

Antioxidants- So if I drink lots of green tea, I won’t rust? That’s good I guess. Really, anything that is trumpeted without any attempt to explain what it actually is is suspect.

Hemi- Dodge has a name for its engines? Does that make them better? Fine. The engine in my dented green ’96 Ford Ranger is hereby anointed The Turbo Masculine Flame-Spitting Nut-Crushing Machine of Most-Painful Death by Humiliation. But you can call it Lance Armstrong. Take that shit, Hemi.

0% APR Financing- I have heard this phrase about 18 times a day for my entire life but have no idea what it means. I’m sure everyone else knows, but I’m still guessing it’s for suckers.

12 months same as cash- More finance speak that doesn’t make sense. How is a unit of time equal to money? Really, folks: If you have to finance a couch you should probably just make do sitting on the floor.

Organic- Actually, I seek out the word organic on any and all products, which should come as no surprise. What we need to do, however, is quit using the word entirely and instead label everything that’s not organic with phrases like "growth-hormone infused" and "pesticide laden." Shouldn’t we single out the products and practices that are responsible for causing cancer in lab rats and turning the Chesapeake Bay into a dead zone as the exceptions? After all, organic cotton is just cotton. It’s the non-organic stuff that comes with strings attached.

Any food or drink item with the word "energy" attached to it- Pay attention to this next bit, because it is very important: All food, by definition, is potential energy. Do not pay more for something just for the word "energy" printed on the label. Most of the time it’s just sugar anyway. This reminds me of the next one…

Ginseng, Ginkgo biloba, etc.- Snake oil. I suppose this also goes for Echinacea, fish oil, rose hips and anything else touted as an "extract." Yeah, they probably have their benefits, but it’s not like it’s magic or anything. Eat healthy and get some exercise. You’ll be fine.

Dyson vacuum cleaners- So what if our vacuum loses suction? That just means it sucks less than a Dyson. ZING! No, seriously: We are apparently experiencing a global vacuum cleaner crisis and I’m just glad this Dyson asshole is pointing it out to us. And good thing he came up with a $400 solution! Fuck off, buddy.

I’m sure I’ll think of plenty more on my way home from work today, but I’ll leave it there. Any others?


Jacob said...

Dyson's really are incredible vacuum cleaners, but I'm not paying that much for anything that isn't fun. I solved the whole problem by ripping up all the carpet in my house anyway. It's all tile, hardwoods laid down in the '50s and vinyl stuff in the kitchen. I can clean my floors more efficiently with a broom and a swiffer than anyone can carpet with any vacuum cleaner.

Courtney said...

The Turbo Masculine Flame-Spitting Nut-Crushing Machine of Most-Painful Death by Humiliation. I love it.

Chris said...

Well, actually 12 months same as cash is a really good deal, as long as you're responsible enough to pay the item off entirely early in the 11th month. But my fear is, most people just interpret the phrase to mean "free of charge until you get a bill in the mail." That first bill will have about $20 of interest for every $1,000 of furniture you bought, and then another $20 every month until you finally pay for the stuff.

But yes, I'm pretty sure 0% APR is for suckers.

Meaghan said...

Anti-aging: We're all going to get old. Slap on some sunscreen and call it a day, fuckers!

Noelle said...

I'm glad you finally took some time to call out that Dyson guy for his terrible ad campaign. I believe it's probably a good product, but I feel like he's creating a problem that my 7 year old $45 Hoover just doesn't have. Actually, the Hoover's biggest problem is that it's not purple and yellow. That's why I want a Dyson.

Mickey said...

Jacob and Chris- Thanks for the lesson.

Meaghan- Well said. I was thinking about that one, too.

Noelle- Get some purple and yellow paint and go to town on the Hoover.

Julie said...

Mickey if I hadn't laughed out loud twice upon reading your post I would be insanely disappointed in you. I can't remember the last time I disagreed with you on so many different points. Where to start?... Oh right, at the beginning:

1. There are many differences between different cow meat breeds and cuts. Remind me to introduce you one day to my friend the food science major.

2. Antioxidants are a good for you. Now a well balanced diet will include these automatically but the other 99% of the world can get them out of tea. Big deal.

3. Hemi - I take no exception to this because I am still laughing.

4. 0% APR Financing. Chris is right. This is a good deal. You would not think it ridiculous if you were interested in buying anything that offers 0% APR. This goes against your anti consumer principle (cough, 37" tv) but you should know it anyway.

5. 12 month same as cash I will give you. If you have to finance it and it's not a major purchase, you should reconsider buying the item anyway.

6. You would have to become a part of the marketing problem to get your pesticide laden product label out there.

7. Seconded but see anti-oxidants.

8. I have a handheld Dyson and I love it. It does suck. And you can suck that.

Added for good measure...

Reality TV - what the hell?! I watch TV to see things I can't see or do myself. But I can totally sing the lyrics to that song and I can probably do it better than you. I don't need to watch that.

Rachel Ray. Even if you don't watch Food Network, you can't walk through the cracker aisle at the grocery store without wanting to punch her in the face. If she doesn't go away soon, I will unleash Meaghan on her.

I'm tired now.

Mickey said...

Julie- I agree with your last two points, and thanks for commenting. Now get your own damn blog.

Rachel said...

Hallelujah, Meaghan! I am so sick and tired of hearing about all the shit you can do to keep yourself from having wrinkles, including laugh lines. Hey, if in my lifetime I have laughed so much I have wrinkles from it, I've been blessed.

I'm going to ignore toy recalls. I'm sick of China, sick of lead and sick of talking toys that say bad words.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Chris found a new vacuum cleaner in a box on trash day last year and that thing sucks like you wouldn't believe. In a good way, of course.

Gotta love living in a college town. Parents buy things, kids nod their head and throw it in the trash bin unopened.

Meaghan said...

Julie- I, too, hate Rachel Ray and am already plotting an attack (just kidding, FBI).

BTW, this post has had a lot of feedback. Good job, Mickey!

Chris said...

I am commenting again primarily to see if we can establish some record for number of comments on one of Mickey's posts.

Also, I third the motion that Rachel Ray needs to go away very soon.

Anonymous said...

Hemi was not just a name pulled out of a 5 gallon cowboy hat with rattle snake skin band accompanied with a red feather. The name is generated from the shape of the combustion chamber of the engine. The new design of a "hemi"shperical chamber opposed to the rectangular chamber. This new design provided extra horse power starting the craze of wanting the biggest lance armstrong under the hood. And im spent.


Mickey said...

Damn, Hightower. I think we found your sweet spot. Well said.

But not the point. The point is that nobody actually knows what it means but they expect us to be impressed by it anyway. What do you call your Lance Armstrong?

Anonymous said...

i call it baby jessica due to the fact the more and more the price of gas goes up, the further i fall down the well of fortunism.


Jacob said...

Hemi=retarded for the reason Mickey said and the fact that we suffer from an excess of horsepower already. It's a major part of our dependency on oil and the crappy gas mileage on cars in this country. Here's a dirty little secret, you can boost the horsepower of a gasoline engine by hybridizing it with an electric motor. But getting more out of less is totally gay of course.

I'm torn on the Rachel Ray issue. She's annoying when she speaks, but she is so freaking hot. I know I have slightly odd standards of beauty, but I really dig the cute over the statuesque. Giada DeLaurentis is ugly and Jeneane Garafolo was so much hotter than Uma Thurman in Must Like Dogs that it's not even funny.

To sum it up: Annoying but I still would like to make the sex with her.

I also agree on the Vitamin Water. If they'd called it Vitamin Drink, I'd be fine. There are added vitamins in there. But calling anything with calories water makes me angry.

Allie said...

Oh, I hate it when companies invent a word and then tout it as the only product with superventicolloid technology or what ever. Of course it's the only one, you made up the damn term. Drives me nuts!

I like antioxidants though. I took a biology of cancer class in college and the prof. was all about the antioxidants. So, I drink my green tea now. But I hate it when junk food advertises: Now! With Antioxidants! Because, you know antioxidants must work better paired with high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oils. Right? I mean it's got to be good for you if the commercial says so.

TravelingEm said...

Oh, it's ever a battle with my students explaining to them that beverages such as vitamin water are NOT ACTUALLY WATER.