I don’t believe in resolutions (if it’s worth resolving, why not do it Dec. 31?), but I wanted to take part in the craze. So here’s a list of bullshit marketing ideas that I resolve to ignore in 2008. You should, too.
100% Black Angus Beef- Dead cow meat is dead cow meat. Don’t let them fool you.
Antioxidants- So if I drink lots of green tea, I won’t rust? That’s good I guess. Really, anything that is trumpeted without any attempt to explain what it actually is is suspect.
Hemi- Dodge has a name for its engines? Does that make them better? Fine. The engine in my dented green ’96 Ford Ranger is hereby anointed The Turbo Masculine Flame-Spitting Nut-Crushing Machine of Most-Painful Death by Humiliation. But you can call it Lance Armstrong. Take that shit, Hemi.
0% APR Financing- I have heard this phrase about 18 times a day for my entire life but have no idea what it means. I’m sure everyone else knows, but I’m still guessing it’s for suckers.
12 months same as cash- More finance speak that doesn’t make sense. How is a unit of time equal to money? Really, folks: If you have to finance a couch you should probably just make do sitting on the floor.
Organic- Actually, I seek out the word organic on any and all products, which should come as no surprise. What we need to do, however, is quit using the word entirely and instead label everything that’s not organic with phrases like "growth-hormone infused" and "pesticide laden." Shouldn’t we single out the products and practices that are responsible for causing cancer in lab rats and turning the Chesapeake Bay into a dead zone as the exceptions? After all, organic cotton is just cotton. It’s the non-organic stuff that comes with strings attached.
Any food or drink item with the word "energy" attached to it- Pay attention to this next bit, because it is very important: All food, by definition, is potential energy. Do not pay more for something just for the word "energy" printed on the label. Most of the time it’s just sugar anyway. This reminds me of the next one…
Ginseng, Ginkgo biloba, etc.- Snake oil. I suppose this also goes for Echinacea, fish oil, rose hips and anything else touted as an "extract." Yeah, they probably have their benefits, but it’s not like it’s magic or anything. Eat healthy and get some exercise. You’ll be fine.
Dyson vacuum cleaners- So what if our vacuum loses suction? That just means it sucks less than a Dyson. ZING! No, seriously: We are apparently experiencing a global vacuum cleaner crisis and I’m just glad this Dyson asshole is pointing it out to us. And good thing he came up with a $400 solution! Fuck off, buddy.
I’m sure I’ll think of plenty more on my way home from work today, but I’ll leave it there. Any others?