Thursday, January 28, 2010

Here's an idea I can hang my coat on

Many of you may recall, back in the good ol' rip-roaring 1990s, or what I like to call "The Brandon Walsh Era," much attention was paid to precipitously declining crime rates across the country. Heck, careers were made out of it. Bill Clinton got some credit. Rudy Giuliani made his name by cracking down on turnstile jumpers, graffiti artists and pot smokers and soaking in the praise. Our enthusiastic back-slapping was somewhat tempered, however, when a correlation was made between the legalization of abortion after Roe v. Wade and the reported drop in crime statistics, which began precisely 18 years later (a study popularized by the book Freakonomics.) Turns out a whole mess of future ne'er-do-wells must have been aborted in the years following Roe's victory for the common uterus. Or so some people think.

If true, the "abort a felon today, ruin an episode of COPS eighteen years from now" movement certainly makes a compelling case. But, lower crime rates aside, there appears to be a deep cost to this "choice" we were suddenly presented with all those years ago, one that was quite unexpected. It's affected us all in ways we haven't even begun to fathom and the repercussions of which will probably be felt for years, if not decades, until the slaughter ends. You probably already know what I'm talking about and have felt it for years, deep down, gnawing away at your soul. I'm talking specifically to you, anti-lifers. You don't want to admit it, but I think it's time to face up to the true toll of abortion: Not only were we aborting unwanted fetuses and potential future criminals, we were aborting QUARTERBACKS!

Which is why exhibits A through Z in support of the exception that proves the rule all begin with the words Tim and Tebow, a fact that is about to be bludgeoned into that softest, most absorbent part of your brain, the region reserved for kitten-themed greeting cards and Super Bowl commercials. It seems that in 1987, or as you probably remember it, "The Year Twisted Sister Broke Up," Mother Tebow was advised by her doctors to terminate little Timmy. She didn't, in August a child was born unto her, and the world now collectively thanks her for her courageous, globe-altering decision.

And just imagine what we've been through because so many women were allowed to make choices regarding their own reproduction, flushing all the good, God-given QBs like so many unwanted turds, leaving us with the unholy chaff: Joey Harrington! J.P. Losman! RYAN LEAF! (Those are quarterbacks, by the way, of the "much maligned" variety.) Decades of interceptions and fumbles and bible verse-free eye black! No world peace! No universal salvation for humankind! Aaaaagh! No Tim Tebows.

Except the Tim Tebow, of course. And thank his Mom for that. Tim sure does.

(Wouldn't it be funny if Tebow really were the second coming? If so, this post ensures that I will not be joining you all for the rapture. Send me a postcard.)


Courtney said...

No! I cannot -- nay, WILL not -- imagine a world without Tim Tebow! IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO EVEN THINK ABOUT!!!

Mongoliangirl said...

Ohhhh crap! I'm going to get in lots of trouble here for not knowing who Tim Tebow is, aren't I? Oh well, being an orphan myself, I can certainly appreciate the fact that I could have been an abortion. I mean, I don't bring shit the the football field, but I do bring a few things to the world that are probably helpful. Like helping others feel like they're sane and don't cuss too much.

Julie said...

Exception that proves the rule?

The Modern Gal said...

In the next article about Tennessee's shitty quarterback play which I will inevitably have to write because I've been writing them for three years straight now, I will suggest to the readers that the Vols COULD have had a good quarterback but his momma aborted him.

I seriously hit the floor when I first read what was going to be said in the Tebowchild's commercial. I mean, the reason she was being told to abort was because she picked up some sort of dangerous illness while ON A MISSION TRIP. Gag me with a spoon.

sid kane said...

You're back!!!

Loved this post esp since I'd read Freakonomics. Of course I don't watch American Football so I have no idea who this Tim Tebow is. Not that it took away from how hilarious this post is.

A Free Man said...

I've really missed you, Mickey. And this post is why.

It's hard for me to be partial, being neither a fan of Evangelical Christianity or the Gators, but I can honestly say that for one year I'm glad we don't get the Super Bowl commercials overseas.

Jacob said...

Please, Tebow, touch my child so that he can be healed and excel in sports.

Mongoliangirl: Tebow is only Football Jesus. He unblinded the CBS execs, much in the way God blinded Saul and directed him to a follower of Jesus who would heal him and change him in the future Apostle Paul, and convinced them to change their long-time policy against advocacy ads during the Super Bowl. May Tebow bless us all and remain dementia free until he fights the antichrist Pat Robertson before the end times.

Allie said...

I think this is the first time I've ever been interested in reading a football related post. :) I'm glad you're back!

Chris said...

Wow. Having grown up Baptist in SEC-football country, I think the most mind-blowing thought in this post is of Tim Tebow as the second coming of Christ. It would be quite the dilemma for Christians who are avowed fans of Tennessee, Bama, Georgia, etc. Could they find it in their hearts to become followers of the Florida Gators quarterback?

I'd like to see a series of Superbowl commercials exploring this thread.