Friday, March 6, 2009

You are what you eat, and I've obviously been eating submissive housewives. Yum.

I think between writing about tabling, mountain climbing and trashing my lats doing pull-ups, I actually do a pretty good job of emasculating myself on these pages more than occasionally. At least I hope so. I'm looking for a balance.

This is one of those emasculating posts, although it may throw that balance completely off.

The other night, of all nights, Courtney, mimicking a scene from Six Feet Under that we had just finished watching, asked if I'd be her wife.

I said "of all nights," and this struck me after about her third or fourth query regarding my potential wifedom, and my third or fourth reply of absolutely not, because it had occurred to me that, in a classical, non-feminist sense, I actually was her wife, minus the vagina.

See, we had just finished eating the delicious meal I had begun preparing before she even got home from work, before which, in a fit of domesticity, I had washed the sheets, remade the bed, and even sewed a patch on a pair of torn shorts. I freakin' sewed, man!

And she had the gall to ask me if I'd be her wife! I got news for you, honey, you got a wife- and this one doesn't menstruate, holds doors for you and can fix a leaky toilet to boot!

(Did I just write that? Can I tell you how happy I am to have a job lined up right now? And one that carries the masculine-sounding title of Park Ranger, no less? Because if I keep this up I may very well begin menstruating one of these days, and I'm moody enough as it is so we don't need that.)

Here's a picture of me and my bunnywabbit husband:

And here's a belated photo from our Guitar Hero jam session, photo courtesy of Julie (and goddamn that lead singer is hot; it's a shame he's such a woman):


Courtney said...

Be my wife! I want wife!

Everyone knows that real men know how to cook and sew. You're not being wifely; you're just pulling your weight.

That picture makes me laugh every time. There's a carrot in my button hole!

(That's what she said!

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Is it really so terrible being "kept?"

nancypearlwannabe said...

I can't be certain, but from the pictures it looks like you play a mean air guitar as well as rocking the mic.

And dude, Chris sews and cooks too. It's the twenty-first century! We can all be women if we want!

mongoliangirl said...

Just be glad she's not trying to pimp you out too. I mean, seriously, even though that missing tooth makes it look like you've got a mean pimp already, it's got to be better than having your girlfriend do it.

Meaghan said...

Chris cooks; I change tires. You're not a woman, just well-rounded!

P.S. What happened to Jacob's hair?

A Free Man said...

Best title ever.

Have you seen "Mad Men"? I think it's on AMC in the U.S. It hearkens back to the good old days of male/female relations. Maybe you need to sit down for a Mad Men marathon.

Julie said...

Hey, I think that the spouse/partner staying home is the one that does the domestic work. It just makes good sense.

P.S. - Courtney's whiskers are perfect and your missing tooth is the perfect accessory for a hockey game.

Allie said...

I envy Courtney! I'd love a wife!

In high school, our English teacher had us read this essay - - and all the boys started snickering and making lesbian jokes, but the truth is, wives are awesome and I totally want one.

Stefanie said...

It sounds like you're an excellent wife AND husband! Look how lucky Courtney is! On the other hand, apparently YOU could get by just fine all on your own, since you have the stereotypical skills of both genders down pat. Good for you.

sid said...

Yeah sure it's the female hormones that make me a crazy biatch.

Jacob said...

Meaghan, I cut it. I think I even posted about it on my blog. I got bored over Christmas and bought electric clippers and buzzed it all off. It wasn't quite a Brittney meltdown as I didn't go for the clean shave (I left an inch or two behind) and because it's not weird for guys to have long hair.

And that's an oddly appropriate comment for some of Mickey's themes on this post.

Chris said...

This is the best blog title I've ever read. It works on so many levels, some of them dirty of course.

Jacob, I'm pretty sure you had your short-cut hair last time we saw you. Meaghan's got a little case of mommy-forgetfulness.

The Modern Gal said...

You're so modern that I can't even decide if you're a modern gal, modern guy or some twisted combination of both. That's saying a lot.