Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Noise for the nose

I've got a complaint in the form of a question. Or a question in the form of a complaint.

Why does everything have to smell like something else?

You get up in the morning and lift your head from your Mountain Breeze-scented pillowcase, shuffle in the dark across the Febrezed carpet (Spring & Renewal scent), down the hall past the Fresh Cut Flowers plug-in, stare through foggy eyes at your tired reflection in the bathroom mirror while brushing your molars with zesty Peppermint paste, and then step into the shower, where you suds your hair up with Pomegranate Soy shampoo, follow that with some Tea Tree and Balm Mint conditioner and then rub your whole self with Almond Flower body wash.

Drying off after the shower (Mountain Breeze making another appearance with the towel), you smear some Aqua Sport-flavored antiperspirant under your arms before donning a fresh set of clothes (Mountain Breeze fresh, to be exact.) After perhaps spraying your head with some sort of foul-smelling glue-like substance, working some White Linen moisturizer into your hands and maybe dousing a little designer odor about your person (the one item employed solely for it's smell), you grab a cup of coffee, which smells precisely like coffee, causing you to think to yourself "Goddamn I love the smell of coffee" before heading out the door.

Sliding into your car with its stale Vanilla Bean cardboard air "freshener" dangling from the mirror, you head to work, where you will be surrounded by scores of other people, all of whom have absorbed just as many competing smells as you this morning, but different ones, all of them having one thing in common: They are completely unrepresentative of the objects they are attached to. At no point in the morning will any of you come into contact with a Mountain or it's accompanying Breeze, you wouldn't know an Almond Flower if it sprouted from your ass, and Fresh Cut Flowers would be nice, but everyone knows we only get to see them during funerals and Valentine's Day. If we're lucky.

Thank god (Ethiopia) for coffee.


Allie said...

Oh my goodness! This is one of my pet peeves. And it scary, because some of the chemicals involved in those scents can cause mental impairment and reproductive issues. I'd much rather my pillowcase smell like a pillowcase than what ever someone decided the top of a mountain in spring smells like.

Jacob said...

I've got a feeling that some of your smells didn't actually apply to you, but I could be wrong.

My laundry doesn't smell like anything but clothing. I use unscented detergent and get upset by the feel of clothes that have been exposed to fabric softener. I'm not sure we even own any air fresheners (also known as headache givers). We probably have a bottle of Febreeze, but it's rarely used and the little plugins Kim used to buy are surely all used up by now. The only time I come into contact with unnaturally scented products is in the bathroom. Minty toothpaste, scented shampoo, face wash and soap, and, on the rare occasions I use a razor instead of electric trimmers to shave, shaving lotion.

Personally, I'd prefer that none of that (except the toothpaste) had any unnatural scent unless it was really stinky without it.

Oh, and at school. Teenagers are evil when it comes to Axe body spray and the like. The stuff is horrible smelling and gives me a headache like crazy. I warn my up front that if I see that stuff being used in class that I will take it up and they will have to come after school to get it back.

Jacob said...

And three days in a row (four if you don't count taking the weekend off)? Are you feeling ill?

nancypearlwannabe said...

I guess if we all wanted to be true hippies we would live in cabins in the woods and smell nothing but actual Spring Renewal and vanilla beans. Alas, I like modern conveniences too much to get rid of my pine-scented air fresheners and tea-tree candles.

Anonymous said...

I've never given this much thought, but now I can't not notice it. What a weird phenomenon.

Julie said...

Do you think it's coincidence that your favorite scent is coffee and coffee clears out your nose (of scents)?

A Free Man said...

If you had ever lived in Britain - which smells of equal parts mold, stale beer, body odor and chip grease - you'd be grateful for a bit of Mountain Breeze.

Courtney said...

Hey, there are no plug-ins in our home.

And yeah, Almond Flower never made any sense to me. But the scent is very light, so come on, complainer.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

My pet peeve is when someone says it smells like it taste. What?!!!

No. sense. at. all.

The Modern Gal said...

I always worry crossing scents will make the universe explode.

(M)ary said...

everything in my house smells like dog. no, i don't have a "dog scented" candle, i have a beagle!
whatever doesn't smell like dog, smells like cat butt thanks to the dog's two kitty companions.