So who else is watching the World Series? Just me? That's what I thought. My hometown Phils were looking pretty good up until that nasty bit of wet windy divine intervention put their parade plans on hold last night. Hopefully they'll keep the bats warm enough to jack another long ball or two and hold the Satanic Fish at bay for the remaining three innings. If it ever stops raining in Illadelphia long enough to take the tarp off the field, that is.
But that's just baseball. What I really want to cover in my return from a long and inexplicable blog-cation is the incredibly repetitive ads I've been subjected to by watching the Fall Classic. Well, sure, all advertising campaigns are repetitive and ultimately annoying, even the good ones. But what stands out among the current crop of sponsors being pandered to by Fox Sports at every turn is what I believe to be the end of advertising as we know it. Here is the evidence:
"The all new Chevy Traverse: Everything you've ever wished for... and then some."
That's right: The folks at Chevrolet have ended the game forever. Everything you've ever wished for. You can't beat that. They said everything. Not everything you've ever wished for in a car, either. Just everything. Which means all other advertising slogans are now obsolete. Finger lickin' good? More taste, less filling? Zest fully clean? All of that used to sound pretty good, but why bother with any of it if the Chevy Traverse will fulfill all of my wishes. As for that somewhat intimidating but ultimately titillating and then some, I can't imagine what that would be since they've already covered everything, but I'm sure it's awesome. Actually, I think the and then some is kind of like saying plus infinity to ensure that nobody can one-up them in the future. And no, Toyota, infinity plus one doesn't count. It's mathematically retarded, not to mention regular retarded.
So the trump card has been played and the game is over. From this point forward advertising can no longer resort to superlatives or any statements regarding quality or usefulness whatsoever. Unless you are a Chevy Traverse, an acceptable slogan will be something like "Eat our chicken. It's chicken." Or perhaps "Use soap. Or don't."
I'm not the only one who has recognized the success of Chevy's endgame. Anheuser-Busch has, to their credit, accepted the new world order with their latest campaign for Bud Light: "The difference is drinkability."
Drinkability? You mean to tell me I should buy your beer because it's drinkable? It's definitely no Chevy Traverse, but I will agree that it is drinkable. Not great, but drinkable. It's wet and doesn't trigger my gag reflex, so I can't disagree. Every other half-inning to hear Joe Buck recite the phrase "The difference is drinkability" with his perfect pace and diction through those million-dollar pipes that most certainly do not settle for mere "drinkability," is to hear truth in advertising, maybe for the first time ever.