Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The end of advertising, I hope

So who else is watching the World Series? Just me? That's what I thought. My hometown Phils were looking pretty good up until that nasty bit of wet windy divine intervention put their parade plans on hold last night. Hopefully they'll keep the bats warm enough to jack another long ball or two and hold the Satanic Fish at bay for the remaining three innings. If it ever stops raining in Illadelphia long enough to take the tarp off the field, that is.

But that's just baseball. What I really want to cover in my return from a long and inexplicable blog-cation is the incredibly repetitive ads I've been subjected to by watching the Fall Classic. Well, sure, all advertising campaigns are repetitive and ultimately annoying, even the good ones. But what stands out among the current crop of sponsors being pandered to by Fox Sports at every turn is what I believe to be the end of advertising as we know it. Here is the evidence:

"The all new Chevy Traverse: Everything you've ever wished for... and then some."

That's right: The folks at Chevrolet have ended the game forever. Everything you've ever wished for. You can't beat that. They said everything. Not everything you've ever wished for in a car, either. Just everything. Which means all other advertising slogans are now obsolete. Finger lickin' good? More taste, less filling? Zest fully clean? All of that used to sound pretty good, but why bother with any of it if the Chevy Traverse will fulfill all of my wishes. As for that somewhat intimidating but ultimately titillating and then some, I can't imagine what that would be since they've already covered everything, but I'm sure it's awesome. Actually, I think the and then some is kind of like saying plus infinity to ensure that nobody can one-up them in the future. And no, Toyota, infinity plus one doesn't count. It's mathematically retarded, not to mention regular retarded.

So the trump card has been played and the game is over. From this point forward advertising can no longer resort to superlatives or any statements regarding quality or usefulness whatsoever. Unless you are a Chevy Traverse, an acceptable slogan will be something like "Eat our chicken. It's chicken." Or perhaps "Use soap. Or don't."

I'm not the only one who has recognized the success of Chevy's endgame. Anheuser-Busch has, to their credit, accepted the new world order with their latest campaign for Bud Light: "The difference is drinkability."

Drinkability? You mean to tell me I should buy your beer because it's drinkable? It's definitely no Chevy Traverse, but I will agree that it is drinkable. Not great, but drinkable. It's wet and doesn't trigger my gag reflex, so I can't disagree. Every other half-inning to hear Joe Buck recite the phrase "The difference is drinkability" with his perfect pace and diction through those million-dollar pipes that most certainly do not settle for mere "drinkability," is to hear truth in advertising, maybe for the first time ever.

11 comments:

nancypearlwannabe said...

Ugh. The drinkability ads make me crazy. They make me doubly crazy because drinkability is not even a WORD. Not to mention the fact that I don't find Bud Light to be drinkable, so the ads are a lie.

Courtney said...

What are you talking about? I've dreamed of a Chevy Traverse since I was a wee lass. It is literally everything I've ever wanted.

Oh, except that it doesn't have drinkability. Damn.

nancypearlwannabe said...

But... if the Traverse has EVERYTHING, doesn't it also have drinkability?

Noelle said...

The funny thing is that I watched about 15 minutes of the game last night, and that very commercial caught my attention away from the otherwise engaging activity of unknotting the fringe on my blanket throw.

And that commercial made me think the same thing, but you made it funnier.

A Free Man said...

World what now?

The Modern Gal said...

So with the Traverse trump, does this mean that commercial with the really, really repetitive use of 'Saved by Zero' can go away?

Ad campaigns just don't have the staying power that they use to in the days of Zest fully clean and Finger lickin' good.

surviving myself said...

Dear god man, I need to go buy a Traverse on my lunch break.

Arjewtino said...

Good call on "drinkability". I've been thinking the same thing since your FUCKING TEAM knocked out my Dodgers.

It's like advertising my beer as being "more potable" than my competitor's.

Jacob said...

So, Delaware is kind of like Northwest Alabama in that they can lay claim to the neighboring state's team because they're too inconsequential to deserve their own big-league team? Just so you know, the Braves also get to lay claim to Mississippi, Alabama, the eastern 2/3 of Tennessee, South Carolina and the inland majority of North Carolina. Your Phillies (aka the band of fat, tobacco-juice stained rednecks who cheated their way into screwing the Braves in 1993).

As for the ad, isn't that kind of like saying infinity plus one already? Or do they assume that since you're watching TV that you're not creative enough to have thought of wishing for everything already. I mean all it takes is the idle thought "I wish I could have everything". I call shenanigans.

Personally I find the "and then some" part to be a little sinister. What if the "and then some" is actually some sort of mind control device or chemical that convinces you and the the people around you that SUVs really are practical, responsible uses of energy, that are both safe for you, and not a hazard to those with whom you share the road? I bet GM would do this if they could just so they could keep making the SUV lines they so foolishly filled their basket with.

Jacob said...

You Phillies can't even claim the entirety of their own state. I can't delete my own post to fix it for some reason.

Julie said...

And yet there are some commercials I enjoy, like the busines exec who gets his schedule from the secretary and has her back off the one meeting of the day so he can text more.