Friday, August 1, 2008

Choose Your Own Blogventure II

For the beginning of this Choose Your Own Blogventure story, click here.

Continued from Malfeasance:

A transformer on a nearby utility pole had exploded under the weight of several misguided zombies hanging from the power lines. The distractions of a world gone mad with the undead would not derail Zombie Beej from his insatiable lust for fresh brains, though, as he took his first enormous chomp from Aaron’s delectable cranium. Shelley watched helplessly from the driver’s seat of the Popemobile as three-plus decades of useless movie trivia and zombie expertise disappeared by the mouthful.

“Well what the hell!” Shelley screamed in disbelief. “Isn’t the Popemobile supposed to be bulletproof? And wouldn’t the Holy See have anointed his sweet ride with holy water against vampires, zombies and the like? Mouthpiece of God my ass…”

As Aaron’s overstuffed brains and skull fragments dripped down Zombie Beej’s zombie chin, Shelley peeled away in the turbo-charged Popemobile, bound for the one location she knew no zombie would ever go: Iowa. Because no person or thing or zombie ever wants to go to Iowa. Ever. Except maybe for the scenic covered bridges. But probably not.

In the lingering acrid burned-rubber cloud left by the world’s foremost fleeing librarian, there was naught to do for Zombie Beej but partake in the delicious brains he now found himself all alone to enjoy. All alone, that is, until Zombie James Van Der Beek sidled stealthily up behind him with a question: “Hey, man, can I get some of that cerebellum if you’re not gonna eat it?”

“Sure, bud,” answered a momentarily sated Zombie Beej, Aaron’s gray matter stubbornly sticking between his teeth. “Hey, aren’t you that guy from ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’?”

“Um, yeah, I played myself in that movie. It was a bit part, really. But maybe you also saw me in ‘Dawson’s Creek’ and ‘Varsity Blues’?” Zombie Beek was a little taken aback at Zombie Beej’s incomplete recognition, but then maybe it was because his nose was rotting off his face and his beautiful blonde hair now populated his scalp only in mangy clumps.

“Huh. Never saw either of them.” Zombie Beej was too preoccupied with his zombie appetites to play along with this sidewalk version of “Where Are They Now?”

“Come on, man! I was freakin’ Dawson! Everybody knows that shit! Shit!”

“Aw, screw this crap.” Remembering his one and only charge upon gaining involuntary membership to the zombiehood, Zombie Beej made a complete about-face on his generous but unsanctioned invitation to share in the remaining bits of Aaron’s brains and commenced pulling Zombie Beek’s unsuspecting limbs from his girlish torso. In a violent shower of viscous, steaming zombie blood, Zombie Beej rendered Zombie James Van Der Beek into many small zombie pieces.

And that’s the story of how Joshua Jackson ended up featured in an endlessly plugged TV show on Fox. So watch the series premiere of Fringe September 9 at 8/7c or the twice-undead Zombie James Van Der Beek will show up at your house and tear you in half and feast on your slippery entrails. Me, I'm gonna skip it. Bring on The Beek, I say.


Courtney said...

Ha! I knew there had to be some other reason a network gave Joshua Jackson a job.

Erica said...

Zombies control Hollywood. I knew it!!!

The Modern Gal said...

Oh My God. This string of the story is turning me into Zombie Modern Gal. Y'all are killing me. (in a good way, of course)

nancypearlwannabe said...

You killed Dawson! Well, I guess technically twice killed him. Couldn't you have killed Katie Holmes instead?

abbersnail said...

Every piece of this story is hilarious. Bravo!

Noelle said...

I love the idea of three-plus decades of trivia being destroyed. And also, everything else that you wrote here.

Stefanie said...

I didn't think it was going to get any better than Iowa being the only zombie-proof place, and then you brought in the Beek. Nice work.

ZomBeej said...

I have never been happier than I was when I tore up some Beek.

RA said...

Lord. There are no words.

(In a good way!)