Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I smell like an old person's funeral with all old people attending

I just, for the first time, went ahead and used a little of the hand moisturizer that's in the bathroom here at work. Mistake. Now my hands smell like baby powder which by association means they smell like baby. I do not want to smell like baby. The scent was labeled "Powder Fresh" and they apparently didn't mean 14 inches of fresh powder waiting for first tracks in the backside bowls at Copper Mountain.

And this, my sweet-smelling friends, is why I do not approve of artificial scents: They are a deception. There is no baby powder in this room much less a baby on which to apply it, yet my head right now is filled with the scent of baby, albeit non-poopy baby. Most of you will probably...I'm sorry, I've got to go wash this shit off my hands immediately.

Christ, that's better. No, wait, it's still there. Real baby powder would have washed right off and left me in peace. It's probably those toxic parabens.

As I was saying, most of you probably agree that baby powder is not a desirable odor to be emanating from an adult. If you do like to smell like baby powder and you're older than two, then you probably crochet and listen to the Gaither Family Singers (these are not random characterizations).

But what about honeysuckle? Everyone likes the sweet, flowery scent of honeysuckle. I know I do. It's one of the best smells there is. But dammit, if I smell honeysuckle I want there to be a honeysuckle bush nearby or it's just a cruel, cruel lie! Why does no one else get this? L. Ron (or "evolution" for the unenlightened) gave us noses to help us negotiate the world of olfactory sensation, and we're just muddling it up with all these fake, misleading scents.

AND MY HANDS STILL REEK OF POWDERED INFANT ASS!

I've got more to say today, but that's going to have to be it for now.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

most people use soap after they use the bathroom. you should have gone with the norm of wanting to have clean hands.

hightower

em said...

I agree that scented stuff is the worst. I hate scented lotions, with the one exception of the lotion that the Westin Hotel leaves in sleeping rooms.

Ugh, I hate hate hate scented stuff. It never smells like the real thing. Chemically and clingy and overpowering. Now that's hot. Sick.

If you like the smell of lemons, rubbing a real lemon on your hands will cut that smell. That, of course, would be contingent of you having a lemon at your office.

Courtney said...

Is this your not-at-all-subtle way of telling me to get rid of the honeysuckle scented candle in the living room?

surviving myself said...

i hated scented shit too. why does everything have to smell like something else??? Stop it already.

sid said...

what about smelling like fruit. i have five different fruit smelling body butter tubs. my brother says no guys likes a girl that smells like fruit. it this the truth? help!

yours, confused

Allie said...

Oh, I am with you. I can't handle the fake smells. I used to live a much more Bath and Body Works existence back in the day, but once you swear off chemical fragrances, you can't go back, especially when you know what's in them.

Your title made tea come out my nose. Luckily, it wasn't too hot.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I think that I like the scent of powder, but probably would not want to smell like it myself. What about mint? I have a minty hand lotion that I like and that seems to be going okay for me. At least I don't smell like old people.

Meaghan said...

I HATE the smell of baby powder! My mom used to try to get me to wear some perfume called Baby Soft, and I was like "no, I don't want to smell like baby butt."

I do, however, like some light fragrances. I have some perfume called "Jasmine Vanilla" that Chris really likes. For the most part, I just like stuff to smell clean.

Oh, and my brother asked one time why most shampoos have to smell like food. He said it makes him hungry every time he takes a shower.

Mickey said...

hightower- The lotion came after the soap. Give me some credit.

em- I usually rub lemon on my hands after I eat in a restaurant if there is lemon in my tea or water. It's my thing.

courtney- I don't really smell that candle, but it is why honeysuckle came to mind.

survivingmyself- Thanks for having my back.

sid (or confused)- Fruit is better than perfumey, but if you can find some charred beef-scented stuff, you might be in business.

allie- The parabens line was for you. I'll owe you for that tea.

npw- You make a good point. I can make exceptions for things like mint and maybe cinnamon, although I'd still rather see the real thing. But I've never been offended by a minty fresh smell.

meaghan- Okay, I've enjoyed some artificial scents, but I still don't like the deceit. Our body wash smells like food and I hate it. It kind of burns a little, too.

J-Money said...

My favorite scent fakeout related quote (how often do you get to use that setup?) comes from the late Mitch Hedberg:

"I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes."

Chris said...

I can see this really bothers you.

If I may, I'd like to offer the notion that most people probably realize when an odor is artificial and can simply enjoy it for what it reminds them of, without getting so pissed off that there isn't an actual honeysuckle bush (or is it vine?) in the room.

That said, if I come to your place and smell cinnamon, there had better damn well be some fresh baked goods on the kitchen counter.

Mickey said...

j-money- Mitch Hedberg makes me laugh. Thanks for the topical quote.

chris- But I'd rather just smell the room, even if it's bad. I've already smelled cinnamon, so now let me experience the old ashtray and garbage smell of your house unadulterated. I'm kidding, of course. Your house smells like lilacs.

Meaghan said...

Our house smells like a mutt trying to get over the mange. Trust me, it's not pleasant. So am I using a Glade Plug-in? Hell yeah!

Aaron said...

Sometimes I forget to put deodorant on, and for whatever reason, the spare I carry in my bag is powder fresh. When I wear it, I want to kill myself.

Mickey said...

meaghan- No pets at the cabin! Especially mangy ones.

aaron- My backup deo is a nasty scent, too. Why don't we just buy two of the ones we really want to use?

Kiala said...

I like the smell of beeswax, but I do not ever want there to be bees anywhere near me.

Jacob said...

I agree with you entirely. I DESPISE those annoying scented hand soaps. I'm ok with the smell of my Irish Spring, but that's not obscenely intense or all that lingering. I don't wear cologne, aftershave or any other scent delivery device for similar reasons.

Jacob said...

Mickey, since you asked, it's a vine. It grows all over the place around here.

Also, I really hate air fresheners. They just give me a headache. The only one I don't mind is Febreze, but is that really an air freshener? A lot of those scented candles are even too strong, but the candles and plug ins are typically much less offensive than anything sprayed.

Mickey said...

kiala- I have nothing to say to that. Damn.

jacob- You just can't help yourself, can you?

Noelle said...

I looked everywhere for unscented conditioner, but I couldn't find any. Also, my bf used to use my girly lotion before coming to bed, and it always kind of freaked me out.

Mickey said...

noelle- I just use one with natural scents (organic, too!) You can't really smell it once it's rinsed. And smelling like a girl is only good if you're a girl. Sometimes even then it's not good.

Jacob said...

Mickey, you asked point blank! It's in a separate comment because I refrained from mentioning it the first time and didn't read you asking about it until after my first post.

Julie said...

1. They do, in fact, make cinnamon bun flavored shampoo & conditioner now.

B. You haven't replaced your stinky emergency deoderant because you're cheap and punishing yourself for forgetting to wear deoderant in the first place.