Tuesday, December 18, 2007

An open letter to the other Mickey ____s

To whom it may concern, specifically those persons misappropriating my good name:

When my name, first and last, is typed into Google, I am rather alarmed and deeply disturbed that there seem to be other persons walking the planet and making themselves overtly Googleable using my name. What gives? Sure, I understand that there may be a few folks who, given the limitations of a 26-letter alphabet and the traditionally inherited nature of names, may legitimately end up with my exact name. My point of contention is that not a single one of you is an astronaut or porn star or ice sculptor or trapeze artist or any other respectable avocation that would legitimately warrant any one of you from being listed ahead of me by Google.

Case in point #1: It would seem that the greatest accomplishment anyone with my name has ever achieved is becoming a two-time All-American member of the women’s archery team at a large university in the American southwest during the mid-1980s. Congratulations on that, Mickey, and also on nabbing two of the first three spots on Google. You, now in your 40s, are still an avid archer as evidenced by the various awards and mentions you’ve received in archery publications over the years. But tell me this, and maybe I just don’t understand the nuances of competitive archery: Have you hit the target yet? If so, isn’t it time to try a different sport? Maybe ice sculpting?

Case in point #2: I never really considered Mickey an androgynous name. Turns out it’s not. It’s apparently pretty solidly female, dammit, as evidenced yet again by Me #2, although you have tacked on a hyphen followed by a Japanese surname. People with hyphenated last names are bad enough, but you just make it worse. You own your own organic soap and lotion-making business in which goat’s milk is the primary ingredient. That would be fine, admirable even, except that it would seem your second favorite ingredient is patchouli, which…makes…you…a…DIRTY HIPPIE! I’ve said it before: I might actually be a hippie if it weren’t for their unique combination of ridiculous barefoot dancing and the acrid, nauseating scent of patchouli and body odor.

Case in point #3: A dead English footballer. You may have made up for the fact that the first two are female, given the macho nature of British soccer players, except you had to go and die last year. You’re no help to me now. Actually I rank higher than you anyway, but you still left me hanging with the whole dying thing. Now it’s up to me to do battle with the middle-aged archer and the hippie soap-maker for Google supremacy.

Thus far, my grandest Google achievement has been competing in the CrossKnox 15K. The race results now appear in the number five slot on Google. At number six is my unexpected recent appearance in the text version of a television news story as described in my previous post. From there on out, it would appear that all I’ve done with my life is sign the summit logs for a couple of mountains on a web site called Peakware. Weak, I know, but you pretenders have been put on notice: It’s my name and I’m certainly not going to let any smelly hippies hijack it. Or dead guys. And archery? Come on. That’s like bowling, except maybe a little cooler because it could actually kill someone.

Sincerely,

Mickey ____
(the real one)

11 comments:

nancypearlwannabe said...

It bums me out that people even have the same name as me. I mean, how common is NancyPearl Wannabe, anyway?

Chris said...

I can relate to your frustration. About three or four years ago, I held a solid 75% of the top 20 Google slots with the online versions of my articles from a certain daily newspaper. But now some guy with my name has gone and gotten elected to the state senate in Washington and locked up an unreasonable number of the top Google hits. He appears to be Asian, as well, which makes matters worse since my last name is plainly German.

Anonymous said...

maybe you would feel better about the achievemnets of others with your name if you used michael and to narrow it down even further, did you use your middle name, david?

hightower

dailytannenbaum.com said...

You got me curious, and I checked again. I used to be in the top page with my imdb listing and a blog entry I wrote about my parents' bookstore. Now, I'm nowhere to be found. Just an MP of the Canadian parliament and some girl who makes kaleidoscopes. I think I will change my name to Noelle Tannenbaum, I seem to be the only one of them.

Mickey said...

Hightower- That's not the point. Besides, my birth name garners zero hits, although there now is another person with my exact birth name. Thank god it's a boy.

Noelle- I need to get myself an IMDB listing. That would be a huge help. And Noelle Tannenbaum is a sweet name. You could make special paid appearances at Christmas-themed events.

NPW- You're a dime a dozen (sorry for the cliche, Chris)

Chris- I guess you're just gonna have to run for office; makes my task seem much easier.

Mickey said...

And by the way, Hightower- I'm well aware of what my first and middle names are.

Courtney said...

Awww, you'll always be the only Mickey ___ in my heart.

Must Google myself now. (Hee. Dirty.)

Meaghan said...

You're the best Mickey ____, so don't worry about it! When I Google myself, I get one person who - though spelled differently - is a porn star. How awesome is that!?!

Anonymous said...

mick, it isnt alway about you, that was more for your readers.

hightower

Jacob said...

I'm not even in the first seven pages when you search for my name. There's also at least one professional hockey player (although apparently not NHL level) although it seems like there were multiple hockey players since I saw the name in association with several different colleges. One of them played with Jordan Cheechoo, though, so that's cool.

My first reference to the actual me is www.thebeercellar.com/feature.shtml The next reference after that is on page 10 with Littlemanevan.com.

I've apparently done a good job of keeping my real name off of these hear internets.

Julie said...

Well no one else seems to have picked up on it yet so I'll just take a moment to point out how it finally makes sense. I mean, I can't be the only person who thought it strange that an inordinate number of men had/have crushes on you. Turns out, they subconsiously picked up on the fact that you have a girl's name. If I'd realized it sooner, I would have had one of my male friends at college invite you to join their "Guys with Sissy Names" Club. Lindsey, Brook and Whitney would have been lucky to have you.