Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Too heavy?

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post, thought better of it and took it down. It was only up for about fifteen minutes before I replaced it with something a little less weighty. I figured I’d run it eventually, so here it is:

A lot of other people have been writing about dreams lately. I usually don’t remember my dreams, and when I do, I generally don’t put much stock in them or even find them all that interesting, with two exceptions. There are two people who make occasional separate appearances in my dreams; when they do, they are obviously the subject of the dream and frequently put me into a melancholic funk for hours or even the whole day. Despite this, I am usually happy to have had a visit from them, as it were, since I have seen neither in a very long time and perhaps never will again.

The first is an ex-girlfriend from high school. No, thankfully this isn’t a case of pining for an old flame. She was my first serious girlfriend. Actually, I guess she was my first real girlfriend at all. Anyway, she was bipolar (I think; she was medicated), but I was bitten, so I stuck it out for most of two years. I put a whole hell of a lot of effort into that relationship. I should be sainted for it, actually, considering all I got for my patience was a really depressed person half the time and a really ugly and embarrassing break-up. We were both just immature kids, but the break-up was traumatic, for me at least. I still worry about her. I actually heard (unconfirmed) a couple of years later that she had been diagnosed with lupus. I hope that isn’t true, but either way, she was messed up. I hope she’s doing all right.

The second is my brother, who was killed in a car accident when I was 15. He was just 18 and so I always wonder what sort of person he would have become, having lost his life before it had really even begun. I think the dreams are a result of my never having known him as a person beyond just being my asshole brother. The dreams always take place more or less in the present because he and I are adults and in them we always get along. Of course, this is a far cry from our actual relationship as children and adolescents, but I’ve come to realize that we really had a lot in common and probably would have become friends after settling into who we really are. Unlike my mother, I don’t dwell too much on questions like "I wonder if he would have a family by now?" or even "I wonder what he would’ve done with himself?" I just think it would be cool to take him climbing. He’d have loved it.

Whoa. Sorry for the massive downer. I’ll try to cheer things up the rest of the week. I just thought it’d be neat to try writing as a catharsis.


Jacob said...

I feel totally gutted when I can't say something funny, but I will say that was really more thoughtful and touching instead of being a downer.

Courtney said...

I've often wished I could have met your brother. If he would have turned out like you, he'd have been awesome.

Anonymous said...

damn that ruined some good skiing! in all that you have had to deal with, i can say that both of those events just made you stronger. you have been a great friend ever since snipe hunting at st. simons and hopefully got many years of randomness left. oh yeah, in my last dream there was a giant woman that was trying to kill people and i had to stop her. no it didnt turn in to some sex dream, but i could control my dreams it sure would have. just think about it, a giant woman! just to let you know she is married and has a kid.


Meaghan said...

First of all, I'm glad someone else wrote about his/her dreams. Secondly, I had no idea you lost a brother. I agree with Jacob that this is not a downer and with Hightower that it obviously made you stronger. Sometimes when you are handed a difficult situation, you can somehow make it positive or you can dwell on it and let it get you down. You've chosen the positive route. You're the man! (and I don't mean that in the way YOU usually mean it!)

nancypearlwannabe said...

Wow. Your dreams are very weighty. Mine usually involve unicorns and stuff.

I really enjoyed the insightful post.

Chris said...

I agree: this is touching rather than depressing. Funny how dreams can be one of the strongest forms of catharsis.

Noelle said...

that was sweet. I think I caught it the first time around, because it came through my RSS reader.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but my sister and I didn't get along at all until we were in our 20's. We really hated each other until some magic moment when we got to college.