I once killed a man who wore velcro shoes on Valentine’s Day with a scented candle. It was a starry night, cold and clear. I remember it well because it was my birthday. And because I killed a man.
That was for Rachel. I had more, but it wasn’t going anywhere but downhill after that introduction. Weak excuse, I know, but I just couldn’t think of a convincing or hilarious method to end someone’s life with a candle. Actually, all of my formidable mental powers have been almost entirely monopolized all day by that damn geography challenge I linked to from Jacob’s blog. Seriously, I’ve been at it all day, but I cannot get to that damn level 12. It’s the nations of Africa that get me. There are just so many and they all sound the same. That sounded racist.
I had nothing but potato chips for lunch today and let me tell you why: I could have sworn Courtney was making a lunch last night that did not include the leftover pizza, but when I was ready to leave for work this morning and went to get the pizza and put it in my cooler…no pizza! I know! What a bitch, right?! Who needs sliced cheese and pizza? Cheese overload!
See, I just did that annoying thing where I ended a sentence with "right?" Has anyone else noticed this? The phrase is usually "I know, right?," and everyone’s saying it these days, hence the annoying part. It probably came from Paris Hilton, which makes me think: I have no idea what Paris Hilton is doing these days. Is that even possible? We should probably thank Britney Spears for that.
Man, this blog has taken a serious downward turn. I never found a track to get on with this one, and see where that gets you? Paris and Britney, that’s where. But who hasn’t already been there? Zing!
I apologize for this. Please come back tomorrow.
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9 comments:
I give you a 6 (out of 10) just for the opening narrative. I found it quite compelling. It could be the opening for a legitimately good story, if you nix the candle as the murder weapon.
Dr. Travis would be so proud of you, my friend. Now I kind-of wish he had given us topics like "bidet" and "festering pustules," just to see how you would work those into the story.
And you could totally kill someone with a candle, if it was really sharp. Or lighted. Or one of those ginormous Yankee candles, which could bash someone's skull in if applied with proper force. Right?
Might I suggest a line of thought where one of those informative news segments goes wrong? Every Halloween fire safety experts try to show you how easy it is to catch your kids costume or decorations on fire if you have lit candles around the house. But then... a kid trying to play a prank hung himself up by his velcro shoes behind the display just before you lit it on fire with a common household candle. Tragic, right?
That was for you Mickey.
HEY. Leftover pizza is up for grabs. If I'd known you were planning on taking it, I would have taken something else!
i should "rail" you on this lame excuse for a blog with you having to fill in space using the bottom of the barrell, Britney and Paris. Wow an all new low. i will keep from busting your balls commend you on your persistence of blogging everyday for this month. i wouldn't dare say anything about your writting becuase more than likely i wouldn't be able to catch the mistakes. i would fall into the catagory of calling the kettle black(illiterate). i am not saying black stands for illiterate, i am just saying that i would be the last one ever that would have the right to correct anyone's grammer. after all that, i am out.
hightower(no caps for a reason, lazy)
I don't think I need to point out the irony of Hightower misspelling the word "writing" in the middle of a sentence about not being able to catch mistakes.
Annnd... that was meant more as a joke than a lecture. But seriously: leftover pizza is there for whomever gets to it first.
Yeah, the opening bit was freaking amazing. I really want to read more of that. It had places to go.
I actually giggled throughout the post except for the part about the geography quiz. I can't get to level 12 either, and I REALLY know Africa. I got less than 100 miles from Khartoum on the first stab. Reminding me of that fact just made me bitter-er.
Dude, you've got less than 3.5 hours before you screw up the whole month by missing your first post. That would be such lameness.
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