Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Songs that make my soul hurt

Why does it feel like cheating to create another list? I suppose when I envisioned having my own blog, I saw myself expounding endlessly on current events and the goings-on of my day to day life. Turns out they’re both pretty much boring. Plus, this commitment to posting every day this month is going to require some slacker ideas now and again. I commence with the list:

Top Five Worst Songs of All Time
5. "The Final Countdown," by Europe. Europe? Yes, they claim the whole continent. Be thankful they stayed there, this being their only memorable sonic volley across the Atlantic. That keyboard riff is absolutely insidious, permanently lodging in my brain after just four notes, and playing in a nearly unstoppable loop for days at a time. Little known fact: the song does contain verses that sandwich its titular chorus, and the lyrics are completely ridiculous, no doubt a result of bad Swedish to English translation. Do not find out for yourself. Trust me on this.
4. That "Everybody clap your hands" song you hear at sporting events and weddings nowadays. I don’t want to look this song up because I don’t want to know who created it. That unknown voice commands us through a series of pointless motions with the same cadence and faux-enthusiasm as a burned-out aerobics instructor. I don’t like any song that includes such specific instructions, unless, of course, the instructions require the song to be played backwards to be understood and involve copious amounts of fresh goats’ blood and a virgin or two. I refuse to listen to this song long enough to find out if either ever comes into play. Intolerable.
3. "Once Bitten, Twice Shy," by Great White. This band killed 100 people in that night club fire in Rhode Island a few years back. Luckily, they had not yet played this song, sparing the unfortunate souls of the deceased the indignity of hearing the empty, tinny, meaningless refrain of the chorus as their final act on this earth.
2. "Rock and Roll All Nite," by Kiss. This song is utterly soulless. If you like Kiss then you are too. As great a band as Kiss is supposed to be in the rock pantheon, this is the only song of theirs most people know, and yet it sucks horribly.
1. "Lick it Up," by Kiss. Kiss just sucks and this song defined suck for all of time. No, Kiss, I won’t lick it up, because I know the second I do, Gene Simmons will just say "Ha! You call that a tongue! This is a tongue!" Yeah, Gene, we get it: You have a really long tongue, and, after 30 years, we still find it, you and your band entirely revolting. Your tongue is longer than mine, but my band rocks way harder than yours, and I don’t have a band, asshole.


Courtney said...

You tell 'em, babe.

While I, too, hate all of those songs, I still consider "Ooo, That Smell" to be the worst song in the history of mankind. Maybe this will be my post topic for tomorrow.

And now I have "The Final Countdown" stuck in my head. Damn you.

Mickey said...

See? Evil. I considered "That Smell" but realized it's just the absurd chorus of the song that truly sucks. Musically, it's not bad enough for this list.

Chris said...

You're right: it would really suck to burn to death while listening to really shitty music. That might move up to the top of my list of worst ways to die (if I ever take time to make such a list).

I'm glad to say I don't know your number five song, and I almost never go to the places where I would have to hear number four.

Julie said...

So much negativity.

While I will not contradict your choices, I will say that Final Countdown is much more tolerable if you only hear it as the introductory music for Gob Bluth in any given episode of Arrested Development. I'm not going to say it's not evil, but I will argue that it has served a purpose in this world.

Rachel said...

True story: Several years ago, I was in the car with my father when "The Final Countdown" came on the radio. At the part where they rhyme, "headed for Venus" with "maybe they've seen us," my father says, "Because, really, what else would you rhyme with 'Venus'?"

The car went uncomfortably silent as my father realized what other word did, in fact, rhyme with Venus. Ahhh, memories.