Friday, January 16, 2009

F-you, Canada

There's a serious issue I'd like to tackle today, people. This may not be the most popular stance here in liberal-happy love-thy-neighbor communist Blogustan, but somebody needs to say it: We need to secure our fucking borders.

I'm not kidding. We keep hearing about all the illegal immigrants streaming across the southern border from Mexico. On top of that, China has been sending all their coal-dust polluted air all the way across the Pacific on the jet stream, right on past the unprotected west coast. And on the east side, we're still letting Elton John come and go as he pleases. Hasn't he done enough damage already?

But on those three fronts we're coping, so far at least. What I'm really concerned about is the top side, that wide open 5,500 mile imaginary line ineffectively separating us from them. And I think you know who I mean by them. Canadians. Canucks. Hockey players. Goddamned curlers.

Yeah, I know: they look just like us (Well, except for their big noses and dark complexions. What? Wrong stereotype? Sorry, eh.) So how are we to stop them? Actually it's not an influx of beskated, ear-flap wearing, Molson-swilling subjects of the Queen I'm concerned about, but rather all that frigid arctic air they keep sending south into our formerly warm green land of liquid water and fat guys in tank tops.

This is no joke. If air pollution is a health risk and we're creating laws in an attempt to limit it, what about these annual blasts of sub-zero air those puckheads are more than happy to let drift across the border? Isn't cold air just as unpleasant and downright dangerous as dirty air? People are freezing to death out there! We don't have the ear flaps to handle this kind of cold around here!

What do we do about this unwanted atmospheric incursion from the north? Here it is: You know those things that blast air down across an open doorway in some stores to act as a barrier between the outside and the inside? Yup. But bigger. Much bigger. We're going to need a 5,500-mile suspension system in geostationary orbit to hold the whole thing up and about 86 trillion dollars. In seed money. The remaining hundred trillion will come from private investment and public bonds. But it will save lives, people, so let's get on it.

Because you can bet the Canadians aren't going to pitch in. They're too busy slathering maple syrup on their whale blubber. And getting drunk on tequila under a cactus.

Huh? Wrong stereotype again? My bad.

The frost on the inside of our doors and windows. Thanks, Canada. Now go fuck yourselves.

12 comments:

nancypearlwannabe said...

As long as the Canadians keep bringing the syrup I'm okay with them breeching the borders. When it starts to fall on NH and VT to keep us in breakfast sugars though, they will be dead to me.

You hear me Canada? DEAD.

arbyn said...

That's not very nice. Ear flaps just make sense.

And, btw, Obama's coming here first.

Courtney said...

Did the Kids in the Hall do something to piss you off?

Sometimes I think I'd like to live in Canada. Then we have days like today, and I remember how much I like to feel my fingers and toes.

Aaron said...

But William Shatner! And Wolf Parade! And Canadian bacon!

But then again, hockey and all that frigid air. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Allie said...

This morning, 2 degrees with a windchill of -14. Fun.

Maybe a dome like the one over Springfield in the Simpsons movie?

I like Canada, but I'm good with keeping the cold air up north.

Julie said...

I'm afraid I'm a lost cause given it's going to be 12 degrees outside tonight and I will be oot-n-aboot at a hockey game. Forget about me. Save yourselves.

Jacob said...

I'm watching the game that Julie's at as I type this. Liked the photos though.

I think the area around the Benton MacKaye that we hiked back in November is the only place I've ever hiked where bushwhacking without an machete to actually whack the bush would be easy enough to bother. The area around the riverbed of the Conasauga was pretty thick and where I live and in the Ocala National forest, the palmettos and other scrub that fills the understory of the pine forest would basically be like walking through molasses if that molasses was able to shred clothes and skin and was dry and spiky instead of wet and sticky.

Stefanie said...

OK, have you guys finally turned on your heat yet? Because if you have, and your door still looks like that, I think you might need a new door. Maybe one made in Canada. They know how winterizing works up there.

The Modern Gal said...

I was tolerating the cold until today. When the sun went away and the wind picked up and there was no snow to boot, every other word out of my mouth was fuck. I couldn't control it.

sid said...

Shit that's seriously cold. I don't know how you cope.

A Free Man said...

Hey, don't blame our healthy socialist neighbors for your landlord's poor insulation choices.

angelsroy33 said...

I agree w/ AFreeMan and Stefanie, you don't like Canada, don't go or complain like you've done anything to change what you're complaining about. I will soon be moving to Canada w/ my Canadian husband, and I've lived in SOUTH FLORIDA my whole life!!! Do you know what a winter in Nova Scotia will be like for me?! (I've seen snow ONCE!) But I still love it up there,-POLITE people,buttertarts, Tim Hortons, and best of all, HOCKEY, any hockey. I love it all!