There's a serious issue I'd like to tackle today, people. This may not be the most popular stance here in liberal-happy love-thy-neighbor communist Blogustan, but somebody needs to say it: We need to secure our fucking borders.
I'm not kidding. We keep hearing about all the illegal immigrants streaming across the southern border from Mexico. On top of that, China has been sending all their coal-dust polluted air all the way across the Pacific on the jet stream, right on past the unprotected west coast. And on the east side, we're still letting Elton John come and go as he pleases. Hasn't he done enough damage already?
But on those three fronts we're coping, so far at least. What I'm really concerned about is the top side, that wide open 5,500 mile imaginary line ineffectively separating us from them. And I think you know who I mean by them. Canadians. Canucks. Hockey players. Goddamned curlers.
Yeah, I know: they look just like us (Well, except for their big noses and dark complexions. What? Wrong stereotype? Sorry, eh.) So how are we to stop them? Actually it's not an influx of beskated, ear-flap wearing, Molson-swilling subjects of the Queen I'm concerned about, but rather all that frigid arctic air they keep sending south into our formerly warm green land of liquid water and fat guys in tank tops.
This is no joke. If air pollution is a health risk and we're creating laws in an attempt to limit it, what about these annual blasts of sub-zero air those puckheads are more than happy to let drift across the border? Isn't cold air just as unpleasant and downright dangerous as dirty air? People are freezing to death out there! We don't have the ear flaps to handle this kind of cold around here!
What do we do about this unwanted atmospheric incursion from the north? Here it is: You know those things that blast air down across an open doorway in some stores to act as a barrier between the outside and the inside? Yup. But bigger. Much bigger. We're going to need a 5,500-mile suspension system in geostationary orbit to hold the whole thing up and about 86 trillion dollars. In seed money. The remaining hundred trillion will come from private investment and public bonds. But it will save lives, people, so let's get on it.
Because you can bet the Canadians aren't going to pitch in. They're too busy slathering maple syrup on their whale blubber. And getting drunk on tequila under a cactus.
Huh? Wrong stereotype again? My bad.
The frost on the inside of our doors and windows. Thanks, Canada. Now go fuck yourselves.