I;d like to share something with you. Are you ready? Pay attention.
Did you catch that? Here it is again:
Do you know what that is? A what? A semicolon? I thought you might say that, but you;re only half right. It also happens to be the Mark of the Beast, QWERTY edition, and it will in all likelihood one day very soon drive me to go completely penguinshit crazy and throw my laptop off the balcony onto the street, followed by everything in this apartment that isn;t nailed down and eventually myself as well, ending this keyboard-induced madness once and for all with the sharp thwack of my skull on the asphalt below.
I;m sorry, did I lose you somewhere? I didn;t mean to get all descriptively suicidal on you (or perhaps suicidally descriptive?) It's just that the fucking (;) key is driving me nuts. Not the punctuation mark itself, mind you, but the key that creates it. I;m actually a huge fan of the semicolon, using them like crazy ever since one of you (I can;t recall who exactly) mentioned your extreme disapproval of their usage. I just hadn;t really thought about them much at all before, and since then I find exciting uses for them all over the place.
That, however, doesn;t include inserting them into contractions in place of an apostrophe, and that;s the rub. I;m not sure if the engineers at Compaq are playing a cruel trick on me by shifting the keys on my keyboard just slightly to the right enough to cause me to hurl myself to a messy death, or maybe the fingers of my right hand have shrunk a fraction of an inch, or possibly I;m just a terribly inaccurate typist with only myself to blame. Whatever the case, whenever my hand stabs out to the right on the keyboard in search of a good, wholesome apostrophe, it comes up with naught but that evil, uninvited semicolon. What;s worse, it;s winking at me.
And I;ve had this computer for over ten months now, thus my impending insanity. I don;t now how I;ve lasted this long, to be honest, since almost every single apostrophe I;ve typed in that time has been preceded by a semicolon and a backspace. It really is monumentally frustrating.
This post has been therapeutic, though. It;s nice to finally have an excuse to just let all those semicolons lay where they fall, rules of punctuation and my own pickiness be damned. It really feels good. Maybe I;ll just go with it from now on. You guys;ll get used to it, right? Hey, if nothing else today;s catharsis may keep me off the balcony just a little while longer.