Friday, September 26, 2008

Obama's got the height advantage, but McCain's got that supressed POW rage

Who likes a good debate? It's even better when the leadership of the free world is what's at stake, right? Yeah, I think so too.

I've got one problem, though: the scheduling. Now, I understand that the Commission on Presidential Debates figures out the when and where of these things well in advance and they take into account things like Jewish holidays, nationally televised football games and anything else that might keep easily distracted Americans from tuning in. The campaigns of both parties then sign off on it. But there's one thing everyone overlooked when they settled on tonight's debate: SmackDown.

You know what I'm talking about. It's Friday freakin' night in the U.S. of motherfuckin' A. and that means it's time for some high-flying, leotard-wearing, back-flipping, face-pummeling action. I've got my sixer of Bud chillin' in the fridge, a ham and cheese Hot Pocket spinnin' in the microwave and a fresh bag of Funyuns on standby in the pantry. I'm ready for some goddamn butt kickin'!

As a patriotic American, though, I feel I should see what our candidates' positions are on the issues that matter (gun control, gay marriage, the Toby Keith movie), so it's my duty to watch these debates.

But SmackDown's on!

Solution: Combine them. I see no reason that John McCain and Barack Obama can't eschew the traditional format of a moderator and a stage and all that "Ooh, he chose to wear a blue tie. That projects strength!" bullshit and instead show a little skin and flex some muscle squaring off in a fully-sanctioned WWE Main Event Cage Match.

Think about it: Instead of all the pundits dissecting their performances in the days and weeks following the debate for indications of who projected an image of strength and leadership, why don't we just let Mean Gene describe for us the carnage as it happens when these two face off in hand to hand combat? I say if Obama gets back up off the mat after Sarah Palin comes out of nowhere in her tiny pink tube-top and skin-tight metallic pants and whacks him over the head with a folding metal chair, he should be president! And likewise, if McCain survives Obama's patented finishing move, the Flyin' Hawaiian Nutcracker (a backflip with a twist off the top rope resulting in a devastating elbow to the opponent's groin), he's got my vote, no questions asked!

I know, I know- The economy and health care and foreign policy and all that are important, sure. But as long as these two guys are going around acting all tough and talking shit about each other, we may as well find out what they're really made of.

I only wish I had thought of this soon enough to make it happen. As it is, I'm gonna wear out my remote flipping back and forth between discussions on national security and the Undertaker whuppin' somebody's ass.

Such is life.

UPDATE: They just talked about stuff as expected. Politics as usual without a single daredevil leap from the turnbuckle. No fun at all.


Aaron said...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

I'm sorry, but when was someone going to tell me about this Toby Keith movie? How did this slip so far under my pop culture radar? Beer for my Horses?! And The Nuge is in it?!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Dude: McCain in a skintight onesie is not something I want to see on a Friday night. Or really, on any night. Ever.

Julie said...

Yes, Mickey, but how was the main cage event? It's election time. You really should focus on the important issues.

surviving myself said...

I like your idea way better. Palin vs. Biden would be especially interesting.

Allie said...

My comment was going to be that you spelled Funyuns wrong, but then I looked it up. For the love of Toby Keith, I should have realized it wasn't spelled Funion. That would make too much sense, and possibly imply that they actually contained onions.

sid said...

Wish I knew what McCain looked like. Would make trying to imagine him pummeling Obama so much easier.

Chris said...

Awesome. The Flyin' Hawaiian Nutcracker. Obama is so tall and lean, he would definitely be one of those backflips-off-the-turnbuckle kind of wrestlers.

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