Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Let's hear it for options!

Little known fact: Today is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I don't know about you, but I plan to do nothing but. If anything deserves celebrating, it's that particularly quirky triumph of evolution that allows a person to have their cake and eat it, too. Or have two cakes of the opposite sex. Or something. I still have trouble with cake cliches.

Not that I am bisexual. No, the gods withheld and as such I have only slightly more than half of the human pool to choose from, as if the pickin's weren't already slim enough.

But today isn't about me. Today we celebrate those among us who are blessed with ultimate choice, those lucky souls not tethered within the stereotypes of "straight" or "gay," those unconcerned with whether a person's plumbing is innie or outie.

Bisexuals don't even have to bother with those silly "if I were gay" proclamations. You know, where girls say Angelina Jolie and guys say Brad Pitt, thereby exposing all of our insecurities about our physical selves (full disclosure: Eddie Vedder.) Bisexuals just have one big awesome Christmas list of good-looking people that doesn't discriminate based on sex.

Just imagine (for those of us classified as unisexual) if anytime you stepped onto an elevator or went to the gym or sat in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube, every person around you would be fair game. Sure, in your mind you'd still eliminate people from your roster of potential lays based on physical differentiation as an indicator of genetic viability, such as all the people at Jiffy Lube and anyone else with their name stitched onto their shirt, but you'd have the luxury of not having sides picked for you from the outset. And I'm not talking about genetic viability as it relates to procreation; I just mean genetic viability as it relates to having a good time, because obviously half of the potential hook-ups are going to be evolutionary dead-ends anyway.

Which is great, really. Assuming a person were bisexual right down the middle (Is that how it works? Can you lean one way or the other? Is it sort of like how I prefer Coke but I'll drink Pepsi if I have to?), that means that fully half of their sexual encounters would have zero chance of creating another hungry mouth that's just going to end up in front of me at the bank one day with a bag full of unrolled pennies. And that is a good thing. No, the bisexual community doesn't have the sterling record of the 100% homo, 0% reproduction community on this count, but it sure beats the rest of us cranking 'em out at a rate of well over a million a week, net gain.

But that's statistics, and this fine day is all about celebrating, even if the celebratory mood is somewhat sullied by an undercurrent of jealousy about one's lot in life, if that lot happens to include an alarming lack of options regarding sexual attraction. If homosexuality is a curse, then heterosexuality must be too, with bisexuality the universe's gift of a free, all-u-can-eat buffet for the lucky chosen few. Do I wish I were bisexual? No, but it would have been nice to have had the choice. No one even asked my opinion. I'm stuck with women.

14 comments:

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

lol very well put!

surviving myself said...

Nice fucking post man, awesome.

Allie said...

Wow. I never thought of it that way.

Liv Tyler is on my list. Angelina Jolie freaks me out.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Allie: agreed. Liv Tyler or Tina Fey. Or, in the spirit of Bisexuality Day, Nathan Fillion or Scott Foley.

Courtney said...

I may go gay for Liv Tyler as well, but my long-standing girl crush is on Natalie Portman. Angelina seems like a bit much to handle, plus it would be all awkward when she asked me for a vial of my blood to wear around her neck, because I hate needles.

Hooray for bisexuality! (Also, great post, Mick.)

Jacob said...

Courtney, Liv Tyler is OK, but I stand by your right to go gay for Natalie Portman whole heartedly, especially if you're going to share. That girl has more sexy in her left eyebrow than most women have in their entire torsos.

Mickey: I love how you celebrate bisexuals while in the process while totally insulting anyone who chose their profession because they liked working on cars or working with their hands. That's a great piece of grand open mindedness and bigotry all mixed up in one. I kind of see this piece as a clever commentary on the human condition in that even the best of us tend to be a blend of various levels of good and evil no matter how hard we try to be otherwise.

Just so you know, I'd totally do my local mechanic. If I were gay. And into old dudes. And if I were into dudes who recovered from bouts with polio that left them crippled for much of their youth. Luckily for him I'm not into any of that. He's skinny so he doesn't even have man boobs so I couldn't even pretend.

Great post by the way. Really makes up for some of your recent slackitude.

JustinS said...

If I said I'd do myself, does that make me bisexual or just kinda creepy?

Julie said...

It's true... you just had to work on it for a week to get the creative juices flowing and here is your masterpiece.

Congratulations. This was extremely entertaining. I name you the awesomest blog of the day. I'm sorry, I am not a fellow blogger and thus do not have a medal or certificate for you.

Aaron said...

Top notch post work today, sir. And for the record, Cillian Murphy, but...wait, what?

Meaghan said...

All I can say is "wow." Nice post!

Chris said...

Oh, Mickey. Pennies will be so out of circulation by the time today's infants get old enough to use a bank.

Very entertaining post, nonetheless.

Vanessa said...

Well done!

Noelle said...

I'm I'm bisexual half the time, does that make me quadrasexual?

sid said...

I have to agree with everyone else. This is a friggin brilliant post. Liked the whole "bisexual right down the middle" diatribe.