Monday, June 23, 2008

Guest post: Five's a crowd

Mickey hasn't been doing shit lately with this blog (and you might say what he actually does here is shit, too), so I asked if I could use it to air some stuff out that's been on my mind the last few days. Somebody might as well use the space. He promised he wouldn't edit anything I wrote so I trust what you read will be my words. The guy may be terrible at keeping up his blog and sometimes he smells bad, but he doesn't fuck around when it comes to the First Amendment.

I guess I should introduce myself. Some people call me Alice, others go with Fishy. More often than not, the author of this blog calls me Fishy-Fucker or even just Asshole. Truth be told, I don't really care what you call me because I'm a guppy and guppies can't understand English, idiot. We don't even have ears. I live in the corner over by the kitchen in a tank that is my sole 25-gallon domain. Or at least it was until last Friday. Apparently it wasn't good enough to just let my little red 1.5-inch self have the Roman ruins and the fake plastic plants as my personal playground. No, I spent my Friday night being chased around the tank by a gourami ten times my size. It was like Tom versus Jerry except there was no hole to dive into at the last second and no fortuitously-timed scalding hot iron to fall on the gourami's head. Just round and round in circles with that tiger-striped dickhead nipping at my ass.

In fact, there was a second, slightly less menacing gourami and two smaller, rough-looking characters about my size- tetras, I think. The stumpy and ragged condition of their tails and fins makes me think their two larger friends have been nibbling on them. Not a good sign for yours truly.

Anyway, I can't remember the last time I had to fight for a meal around here. I should have known that this whole king-of-the-castle situation wouldn't last. After all, I'm only here for the entertainment of Mickey and that blonde chick and it's not like I'm doing backflips or bouncing a beachball on my nose. They tried to teach me a trick involving some ice cubes and a 9-iron, but I just ignored them. Sometimes I sit motionless on the bottom at a slight list and that usually gets them concerned, but other than that I just do my own thing.

Whatever. I'm pissed. These four new fishtards are pooping all over my tank and eating my food. Mickey, I appreciate that you're letting me get this all out here, but you're a dick. I didn't ask for any of this.

Above: Me in happier times- privacy, room to breathe, and nothing trying to eat me.
Below: The new state of affairs.



Aaron said...

New fish = douches. Can we get you blogging here on a regular basis, fish?

Courtney said...

Fishy, I can't believe you don't know my name. I always knew you were a little bitch. I hope Big Orange Guy eats you.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Wow, Mickey, you are a jerk. Poor little Alicetard.

Allie said...

I left a comment and blogger ate it and now I'm too lazy to write it again. Stupid Blogger.

Julie said...

Do people go to hell for laughing out loud at the thought of fishtards?

Aw, who cares. It was funny.

Meaghan said...

Alice, the key is the grow some bad-ass teeth and reclaim that tank! Then, jump up and bite Mickey when he comes over to feed you.

P.S. Maybe you could write on here all the time. You're writing was far superior to Mickey's :)

Jacob said...

Superfish was so much cooler.

Dianne said...

Oh my that was too funny! I like the fish blogger! ;)

Noelle said...

Wow, it sounds like fishy's days are numbered. What I want to know is how Mickey was able to submerge the keyboard for our fishy friend.

Mickey said...

Fishy here-

aaron- We'll see, man. Typing takes a lot out of me.

courtney- You never feed me, so why would I care what your name is, whore?

npw- I don't need your pity.

allie- I'm a fish and I managed to type a whole post and you're too lazy to re-type your comment? So human.

julie- I'm glad you find my uncomfortable predicament amusing.

meaghan- Yeah, bite the hand that feeds me- real good idea!

jacob- I don't know who this Superfish is, but if he comes in my tank, we'll rumble. I'm not kidding.

dianne- Thank you. You seem pretty nice for a person.

noelle- Why would I use his keyboard? I got my own high-speed connection with a sweet MacBook Air set up in the ruins. I want nothing to do with his pedestrian Compaq.

The Modern Gal said...

Here's the key: make friends with Courtney (the blonde gal), she may be able to help defend you against Mickey.

surviving myself said...

Does Mickey dump used bong water in your tank? Cause I used to do that to this turtle I had, and I don't think he liked it.

em said...

too many fish in the sea! i like the name alice

Mickey said...

Fishy again,

mg- Blondie did nothing to stop the introduction of my new cellmates.

sm- Can a fish get high off bong water? That might be just what we need to call this a party.

em- Yes! And I like the name Em.

Chris said...

I'm sure that in time you and the larger fish will learn to be friends. You'll share beers and a few dirty jokes in the evenings. You'll frolic in the ruins together on sunny Saturday afternoons. You'll talk about your pasts and fantasize about life outside captivity.

But when that happens, just remember: deep down they're still thinking about eating you.

Anonymous said...

Протасовская диета отзывы
Худей быстро и бесплатно
Азартные игры, казино онлайн
Продажа элитных копий часов
Простутитки Москвы и Петербурга

[url=]Протасовская диета отзывы[/url]
[url=]Худей быстро и бесплатно[/url]
[url=]Азартные игры, казино онлайн[/url]
[url=]Продажа элитных копий часов[/url]
[url=]Простутитки Москвы и Петербурга[/url]

Протасовская диета отзывы
Худей быстро и бесплатно
Азартные игры, казино онлайн
Продажа элитных копий часов
Простутитки Москвы и Петербурга