Monday, April 21, 2008

The Lord's Cube Van

I have been dying to put up this post. Well maybe not dying, because it's not looking good for me in the afterlife department, but we'll get to that in a sec.

Just down the hill from where we live is a used car dealer where the Lord or possibly one of his agents sometimes parks his sweet yellow cube van. He likes to park right out front next to the road for some reason. I think he's proud of his paint job.

Or something. I don't know why I'm even bothering with this set-up because this is one cargo vehicle that can speak for itself. After waiting for it to make it's latest intermittent appearance, I was finally able to capture this holiest of trucks in all it's heavenly glory this evening.



The scene: Carmart, 7:06 p.m. It's a Monday. All is quiet.

The Lord's cube van, plain as day. If ever a ride deserved a set of chrome spinners...


The good news? I'm not a murderer. The bad news? Oh shit, hate is murder! I'm five for five! The good news again? I do own a bible, so there's hope.


If anyone has a paper cutout of Mr. T's head that's about 150% life size, I will pay any price. My Lord needs a face.



I looked up all those bible verses so you don't have to. Yup, it's pretty much all there. Oddly enough, however, there was absolutely nothing about Adam and Steve. I'm as surprised as you are.

(Seriously, wouldn't Mr. T make an awesome Messiah? I mean, in some ways he already is, but think about it: I pity the idolatrous homosexual unbelieving fool!)


25 comments:

Aaron said...

My word, man, if you were to get Mr. T's face up there, I do believe you'd be some kind of folk hero.

Also, I love the declaration that, if you murder one time, you're a murderer. As if, you know, the non-religious believe that you get one free.

em said...

So far this post has been the greatest part of my day.

Meaghan said...

Reading what that truck says is like visiting one of the back-woods churches in my hometown. This was just crazy! Nothing like a little "hell, fire and brimstone" to make you change your evil ways. Oh, and I'd like to point out the art on the first side of the yellow truck. What's with the poor little not-so-smiley face falling into the Lake of Fire? One part of the fire seems to be coming from his head.

Noelle said...

Thank you so much for sharing. Well worth it. I did have some trouble figuring out what it meant, because how does one murder an IX? I think I'm going to go home tonight and obey my bible.

Stefanie said...

Am I the only one who wants to know what's inside the truck?

Chris said...

Great question: What is inside the truck? This calls for a follow-up post, Mickey, which will require a bit more investigation.

In the last photo: I've never heard "cowardly" preached against as a sin. Maybe it's supposed to go along with "homosexuals" beside it. But if so, is that to suggest that brave homosexuals have the Bible's approval?

I was intrigued by the man in hell illustration, as well. He does seem to have brought some of the fire along with him.

sid said...

The guy who played Gandalf in the LOTR would make a good Messiah.

The Modern Gal said...

Man, you're apparently not only surrounded by flames in hell, but your head catches on fire too!?!?!

JustinS said...

Definitely need to know what's in the van... Is it filled with the bodies of the non-believers? Or maybe just a kick-ass BBQ grill, like one of those big gas monstrosities that can cook a whole pig at once? Those things rock.

And the hell is Christ holding in his right hand? Looks like a bottle of ketchup. Or perhaps catsup. Whatever it is, I'm sure it tastes great on BBQ'd sinners.

Beej said...

I guess I will have to lust 2X then. I'm pretty sure that's ok, the Box Van o'Christ didn't forbid it.

surviving myself said...

that is the best automobile ever. You are lucky to be able to see it in person.

Courtney said...

OK, that settles it. Tonight Mickey and I will be breaking into the van to see what's inside.

Mickey said...

aaron- I've been dreaming about just the right face since I first laid eyes on this truck.

em- So glad I can contribute.

meaghan- Subtlety is definitely not a part of this sermon.

noelle- You better, sinner.

stefanie- Apparently not. I'm picturing a red velvet futon and some gentle mood lighting, for some reason. A van's still a van.

chris- Yeah, I always thought "turning the other cheek" was a Christian thing to do. Then again, that phrase could have homosexual connotations, if you're so inclined.

sid- Except Ian McKellen is a homosexual. A brave one, though, so maybe he gets a pass?

modern gal- Oh, yes. You will be consumed by the lake of fire. That's why I'll be buried in a Nomex suit.

justins- Dude, you're freakin' hilarious. And I hadn't noticed, but the Lord does appear to be holding a condiment bottle of some kind.

beej- It's okay by me. I can consult the van on my way home today to make sure, if you'd like.

surviving myself- If not for this mobile warning, where would I be? I think the answer is pretty clear.

courtney- After you, darlin'.

Meaghan said...

I'm thinking you'll find a televangelist inside, poking some Tammy Faye look-alike! They'll be celebrating the amount of money they just sucked out of some 76-year-old who is dying of cancer.

Allie said...

WOW! That is . . . I don't even have words. But yes, Mr. T would be perfect.

Wow.

Allie said...

http://www.stickergiant.com/My-Copilot_b5337.html

That's all I'm saying.

Desiree said...

Teehee about the free pass on your first murder...and the ketchup.

You know what my favorite thing is about this van-aside from the inspirational religous messages? The fact that it is parked in a used car lot. I don't know about the rest of cyberspace, but for sure when I think of a good christian man, the first image that pops into my head is a used car salesman.

If you ever do track down a giant sticker of Mr. T's head, pretty please post pictures. That would be incredible.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I made something for you. Go my blog!

Vanessa said...

You crack me up! This should be with the label "only in the South"

Mickey said...

meaghan- Sadly, you could be right.

allie- That made me laugh hard. Thanks.

desiree- Oh, pictures will be posted.

dutchess- Awesome. You will be linked.

vanessa- Yeah, I was hoping for someone from another region to crack on it like that. Oh, well. I think you're right, though.

Alexa said...

the elevator in my office is always full of leaflets that look just like the van. ugh.

nothing like a reminder that you are a sinner first thing in the morning

Mickey said...

alexa- I'm not a sinner until after I've had my breakfast. Then I'm rarin' to go.

Jacob said...

To be fair to the South, Jack Chick is from California (and all of those cartoon Chick tracts you see are published there).

Mickey said...

jacob- Aaron (Funky Carter) had a couple of links to some online Chick tracts in a post a while back. Crazy shit. Yes, there are Christian (and other assorted) nutjobs everywhere.

Julie said...

I think you should take that cute little frowny, flame-bearing face and appropriate it for use on your site. People are always getting "my blog is awesome" icons. You could start giving out "my blog is so funny it's eternally damned" icons.