Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Close Encounters of the Shitty Apartment Kind

Question: What is the universal language?

Is it love? Bullshit.

Music? Then somebody get me a Bjork-to-English dictionary, please.

Esperanto? Worse idea than ebonics.

Nay, I tell you, the universal language is three rapid, angry knocks on the wall/ceiling that is understood by everyone everywhere to mean "Shut the holy motherfuck up you noisy motherfucking asshole." This particular language becomes even clearer at 3:12 a.m. on a Tuesday.

Yes, Mrs. Heavyfoot and I have apparently connected, like Richard Dreyfus and some aliens in the starry night by Devil's Tower, through a simple sequence of tones projected forcefully. Alien visitors respond to synthesized keyboard; Mrs. Heavyfoot to my closed fist on drywall.

We just may have an understanding.

To commemorate our historic one-night-and-counting accord, I give you a video of her estranged husband, Mr. Heavyfoot, a player in the Canadian comedy troupe Kids in the Hall. Enjoy.


em said...

Wait, why is Mr. Heavyfoot running a marathon is a suit?

For a minute, I am sad to say, I felt happy that you knew my pain of fucking idiot neighbors. Then I realized that I was selfish and felt bad for you instead.

Allie said...

Oh, Mrs. Heavyfoot. You won't miss her when you move.

In my old apartment, I had an upstairs neighbor who would stomp on the floor if I sneezed past 10PM. I practically had to press my ear up to the TV to hear it without triggering the foot stomping. Finally, I called security after a particularly angry stomping and told them that I thought my neighbor must have fallen or something and was trying to signal for help. They went and pounded on her door to make sure she was okay, and I never had an issue with the stomping again.

Yes, sometimes, I am a huge pain in the ass.

Courtney said...

I. HATE. THAT. GIRL. UPSTAIRS. It sounds like she stomps around instead of walks normally, and periodically she must stand on her couch and drop a bowling ball onto the floor.

I love Mr. Heavyfoot, though. Probably because he doesn't live upstairs.

The Modern Gal said...

Where can I find me one of those get-out-of-bed contraptions/butlers?

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

The only thing worse than Mrs. Heavyfoot is Miss. I have a new Boyfriend and need to loudly show my enthusiasm every single night in the middle of the night.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Remember in the He-Man: Masters of the Universe movie, how they had to play that weird keyboard thing to travel from Eternia to Earth? I just had a momentary vision of you finding one of those things and playing it for Mrs. Heavyfoot to send her off to Skeletor's castle.

How awesome would that be?

And also- why is she even awake at 3:12 a.m.?!

Meaghan said...

I'm sorry, is that one Mr. Dave Foley playing Mr. Heavyfoot? I absolutely LOVE Dave Foley. But that's beside the point... I hate it for you that there is some freakishly loud woman living above you.

In our apartment of three years, we had a quiet elderly lady living next door, but she had arthritis. So every time she went up the stairs, which were just on the other side of the wall from our stairs, it sounded like a ghost was creeping up our stairs. That first night in the apartment by myself was a doozy, until I realized what was going on!

arbyn said...

omg kids in the hall. I forgot about them... ahhhhhhhh memories of sneaking upstairs and watching it on really low volume so my parents wouldn't catch me.


Matt said...

The wall bang...is totally universal. I have a big lady who lives upsatairs I call her tatanka- anyway, when she walks around real fast- I always want to hit the top of the ceiling with a broom or something to get her to sit her ass back down.

I need to move.

surviving myself said...

Nice. I used to use a broom to bang on the ceiling of my old apartment.

Apartment living makes you want to fucking kill, doesn't it?

Mickey said...

em- Is the suit really the most notable thing about Mr. Heavyfoot?

allie- See, you totally need a personal blog so we can get gems like that more often. Hilarious!

courtney- Do you even remember me waking you up to warn you that I would be banging on the wall?

modern gal- I thought everybody had one of those? No? Huh.

dutchess- Yeah, grunts and moans are no good either. But good for them, right?

npw- That is some power of association you've got there, Dubs. Exactly why she is awake I have no idea. It happens once a week, though, and she was still home when I got up this morning, so I guess she wasn't going anywhere. It's a mystery.

meaghan- I wish Mrs. Heavyfoot was quiet and arthritic.

arbyn- That's right, we've got a Canadian in our midst! Or are you a transplant? Whatever. KITH are awesome. Thank you, Canada.

matt- Tatanka- that's pretty good. Our upstairs neighbors deserve each other.

Mickey said...

surviving myself- Yes it does.

Chris said...

At least she understood the knocks and complied. If she really wanted to be a bitch, she would have just stomped louder.

Either that, or she's slowly plotting to drill a hole through the ceiling and gas you in your sleep, just for knocking on the wall.

Probably not. But just to be safe: If you hear drilling at night, get out of there.

Vanessa said...

Oh the joys of apartment living. Or condo living. Or townhouse living. Maybe a tent is preferable after all? ;)

Stefanie said...

There are at least a few things I miss about apartment life... having someone else mow and shovel... being able to call a maintenance guy and not have to pay for it... having expendable income... Thank you for reminding me that jackass neighbors entirely too close for comfort are one thing I do NOT miss.

Rachel said...

I agree with Courtney -- it seems every single upstairs neighbor I have ever had feels the need to pace back and forth through the entire apartment wearing lead boots. Now I live upstairs, and I'm interested to see whether the tenants below me (there aren't any now, but I think there will be soon) think I belong to the Heavyfoot family. Is it really that difficult to be quiet when you live upstairs?

Aaron said...

Years ago, I had next-door neighbors that we dubbed "Screamy" and "Slammy". You can figure out why. Unfortunately, with names and behaviors like that, they didn't respond much to wall banging. I suspect they couldn't hear it over their own din.

Julie said...

Maybe Mrs. Heavyfoot knows that you want out and is trying to make it easy for you. For an active person, you can be kinda lazy. Sometimes, you need a good kick in the ass (in the form of stomping from the upstairs neighbor) to act.

Speaking of universal languages... does anyone else remeber the Swedish Chef translator online? I used to be amused by that for hours. You could totally create a Bjork-English translator and entertain the next generation of high school students.

Mickey said...

chris- Thanks for the warning.

vanessa- Oh, vanessa. Tents are always preferable, but only if it's raining or really buggy.

stefanie- And thank you for reminding me of the perks of apartment living. Alas, I fear there actually is something to home ownership, though.

rachel- I wonder too- am I really as stealthy as I think I am?

aaron- Names like that make Mrs. Heavyfoot sound pretty benign.

julie- Thank you for the insult. I'm not inclined to disagree. My motivations are unfortunately specific and entirely inconvenient. Hence, active but lazy. I'll have to look up that Swedish Chef translator.

Kirsten said...

I feel your pain. I had a heavyfoot living above me that lifted (and dropped) weights at 2, 3am in the morning. Gahhhh I'm still cringing out of annoyance!

Michelle & the City said...

so true. and it's probably such a universal language bc really what else could it be mistaken for?

"i want to borrow a cup of milk"
"hey you're cute, wanna go out some time?"

nope. pretty such angry knocks= "shut the hell up".

ck said...

here's the work around for your problem in the future: live on the top floor. the last three apartments we've lived in have been on the third floor.
we ain't got to listen to shit!

Mickey said...

kirsten- I cringe for you

michelle- Nope, this ain't morse code.

ck- That's the plan.