Monday, February 18, 2008

And quit blocking me from music sites, too

The following is an attempt to communicate with my work computer. I already typed this in Word, but just in case he reads my blog I'm posting it here, too.

Dear Computer,

Before I get into it, I'd like to point out how appreciative I really am of all you do for me. Thanks to you, I barely remember having ever used a "typewriter" and am trying hard every day to erase the horrible memory of the time when I had to use a "telephone" to talk to actual "people" or "read a book" in order to "find things out". Because of you, all the knowledge I could ever need is just a mouse-click away. I'm using you right now, in fact, and you're doing a great job. In short, I'm very thankful for all that you do.

There's just one thing: Can we do it without the attitude?

Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about. All day long we go about our work, me typing and clicking away and you dutifully humming along, and then 5:30 rolls around, it's time to hit the highway, and all of a sudden you think you know my job better than I do. Here's you, every frickin' day, and I quote:


Well fuck yeah I'm sure! Why do you think I chose to log off if I didn't want to log off? It's like you're second-guessing my desire to leave this short-walled, laminate-surfaced cube of boredom for the day, and believe me, friend, that desire is unshakeable.

I understand you probably just want what's best for me and you're all about second chances, but it's your tone I really don't like. It's almost like you don't think I can make it out there without you, like you doubt my ability to get by without your guidance and you're giving me one more shot to sit back down in my office chair, comfortable and safe in your electronic embrace. Well I've got some news for you, mofo: You ain't all that and I do just fine without you!

Are you sure you want to log off? Shit. When I decide it's time to log the hell off, I expect you to log me the hell off, no questions. If I change my mind and decide I'm not done with you for the day, well then I'll just have to log back on again, won't I? Know your place, bitch. And get back to work.


Mickey (the guy whose left foot rests all-too-close to the red switch on your power strip, if you catch my drift)


sid said...

OOOOh Mickey you are a brave one. I'd never speak to my PC like that. I know what could happen if I piss him off. He might very well decide to gobble up all my work.

Julie said...

That's right, Mickey. Get it all out.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Damn those computers are getting ballsy these days. Before you know it they are going to want the ability to vote.

Noelle said...

You see, your problem here is a PC problem. If only you'd join us in Mac World, then you'd get a two minute warning before the computer shuts itself off (or you can make it go right away.) It knows that you want to shut it off, but it gives you a respectable amount of time to change your mind.

Otherwise, well said. I love the idea that you have power over the power cord.

em said...

My work computer is a POS and every day at the end of the day, it takes about 10 minutes to shut down. 10 minutes. I think it has separation anxiety.

Allie said...

I worry my computer will get upset just because I read this. She's coughing and choking along as it is. (But she's still wonderful and beautiful and perfect).

Chris said...

Just be glad you don't have Windows Vista. Every time I go to a new website for the first time, Windows tells me it might not be safe, and then Norton Antivirus chimes in about the security certificate and then HP asks me if I'm actually the one who started the task and so would I like to continue or cancel.

I'm exaggerating a little, but only a little.

Mickey said...

sid- They've got you right where they want you.

julie- It felt good but hasn't changed anything.

dutchess- Uppity bastards.

noelle- I'd love to, but I don't think they're going to be replacing these Dell dinosaurs around here anytime soon.

em- You should try drop-kicking it.

allie- Do you humanize all the other evils in your life, as well?

chris- I get to deal with all that fun on my laptop (with Vista) at home.

stan said...

i wrote one of those notes to my computer once. it felt good. then the freak wrote me back:

"jason, try that shit again and see if i don't crash and take everything with me."

we've had a strained relationship ever since.

Allie said...

Mickey -- Yeah, pretty much.

Anonymous said...

after all is said and done, you wont do anything about it and you and i know it. just keep petting it one key at a time. nice job on the vent though.

Anonymous said...


Meaghan said...

I love this! I feel like writing one of these to Chris' laptop every time I get on it. I have worked in front of a MAC now for about nine months and it has "crashed" on me twice. An Apple a day keeps the computer rage away!

BTW, you have the craziest photos on your page. I look forward to seeing what image you have on there every couple of days or so and the one with the Carhenge is great!

Nancy said...

That was lovely and well written. In this case, remembering that 'everyone has a mother' just wouldn't do because I have a feeling you'd be calling that computer's mother a bitch too. Nice work. The government needs someone like you in a top, no-nonsense position.