Thursday, January 24, 2008

So you’re breeding. What does that have to do with me, exactly?

Another baby shower in the office today. It's funny, because I didn't see a single baby there. Sort of like if you threw me a party but I didn't show up and nobody even cared that I wasn't there. Or more accurately, if I was technically in the room but suspended in fluid inside the abdomen of the person who actually got to open all the presents. And that sure would be weird.

That's where the shower is right now, the present-opening stage, and that's why I've retreated back to my hole to type out my bitter world view for your enjoyment. I've been to baby showers before, and if you've seen one pregnant woman feigning excitement over a brand new box of baby wipes, you've seen 'em all. The food even sucked. I'm the asshole who showed up with just a bag of chips, but those salt and pepper Kettle chips were a bastion of good taste among all the Wonder Bread sandwiches, warmed-over meatballs and melted Cheez Whiz. I half-expected someone to roll out a pitcher of Tang and a tray full of fresh Bagel Bites. That was a five dollar fucking bag of chips, man.

The only good thing, if you want to call it that, was the favorable male-female ratio of approximately 25 to 1. Even when two other guys from this part of the building showed up, it didn't effectively alter that ratio, if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Needless to say, I barely uttered a word the whole time because girls scare me, especially the procreating type.

I don't really even know the woman who is currently, as a result of the little humanoid parasite growing inside her, expanding in every direction at an exponential rate. That's why, when they passed the proverbial hat, I took a pass. The last girl to pop one out around here got a donation from my overflowing coffers, as will the next, but they're people I actually know and work with. I'm sorry, but (and here comes a huge surprise) since I may not necessarily appreciate your choice to multiply in the first place, I'm sure not going to encourage any future efforts by giving you a monetary reward this time. Besides, you don't even know my name.

I'm kidding. I love babies.

19 comments:

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, those Kettle chips are worth every delicious cent of that $5.

Oh, and FYI- Bagel Bites are awesome. Step off, brother.

My favorite line though: "girls scare me, especially the procreating type". Hee!

ck said...

you should've thanked your lucky stars if tang showed up. usually those parties have [cherry?] red stuff that's way too weak.
you did the right thing not coughing up the dough. showers are an unusually cruel form of extortion.

Noelle said...

I hope that on the day that my ovaries officially dry up 10 years from now, all the people who have been on the receiving end of a baby shower gift from me get together and get me some kind of consolation prize for not bringing yet another human baby into the world.

(Unless I change my mind and decide to have kids, in which case, completely disregard that ignorant statement above.)

Courtney said...

It's a good thing I'm not the procreating type. I suspect that's why you're with me.

Allie said...

I take showers as an opportunity to buy a pack of diapers and some butt cream for my expectant friends, because when else is that socially acceptable? I mean, when we're old enough for it to be acceptable again, I probably won't think it's funny anymore.

Also, your picture today is hysterical, monkey boy. :)

Mickey said...

NPW- Yeah, those chips are crescent fresh. I went back later and snagged the unfinished bag. And I ate the hell out of some Bagel Bites...when I was 10!

ck- Thanks for backing me up with the extortion thing. I may be a dick, but apparently I'm not alone!

noelle- A consolation shower! What a great idea!

courtney- Yup, that'd be a deal breaker at this point.

allie-That was an absolutely hilarious gem of a comment! You need a personal blog so we can get that kind of material more often (no pressure.)

em said...

does anyone ever think showers are fun? if i ever decided to either marry or procreate, all gift giving activities would take place at night time, like with an open bar. if you're gonna give me a gift, i'm at least gonna booze you up. that's always been my policy.

Mickey said...

em- Right on! That should be a law, in fact.

Jacob said...

I think the lack of booze is because the guest of honor is already bitter about having to be sober for the entire gestation or because they don't want to enable the mother who didn't bother going sober.

But, having been through a round of baby showers (or at least a couple that didn't have the decency to be girls only) last year, I will say that if the expectant mommy doesn't appreciate the gifts of diapers and wipes, they will in a few months. We were spoiled with so many showers and we didn't buy diapers or wipes for the first three months of Evan's life. Then we had to start buying the stuff. Expelling baby waste is expensive.

I still agree with you on the issue of procreation, although I'm sure the gay community would still call you a breeder anyway.

Rachel said...

Luckily we didn't have many baby showers at my last place of employment, because there was always that person who felt the need to squeal at the top of her lungs the name of the present being opened: "BOOTIES! ONESIES! TEDDY BEAR!" Then all the women would cluck over whatever blue- or pink-wrapped gift the expectant mother was holding, and I would shove a fork in my eye.

I have to attend a baby shower for a close friend in a few weeks, but I'd like to make it clear I'm going only because she needs a non-breeder to temper the cutesy, baby-talking, dumb-game-playing atmosphere. But the second they start telling labor stories, I'm out.

Meaghan said...

Well, with my procreating family, I have hosted many a baby shower and let me tell ya, it ain't always fun!

All the "aaawwwweees" and "how cutes" make me want to throw up, and the games are even worse! Guess how many inches my belly is? What the hell is that all about?

Mickey said...

jacob- Thanks for the breeder's perspective, much needed in these comments. Have you considered employing Evan as the producer of your garden's fertilizer? What a waste of nitrogen.

rachel- You better keep sharp objects at more than arm's length at the next one.

meaghan- You showed remarkable restraint here. I fully expected a lengthy rant from you, but I guess you've gotten it more or less out of your system on your own blog. Or are you just reloading for another post?

Chris said...

I've been to a few baby showers, but at work??

It's one thing to watch family members goo and gaa, but having to endure it from borderline strangers is unacceptable.

I don't know Rachel, but I give her the prize for best spot-on description of typical shower behavior. (Sorry, there's no tangible prize.) There is much clucking and someone always has to squeal out the name of the object that's just been unwrapped. Fork in the eye, indeed.

Meaghan said...

Mickey, I admit, I almost unleashed the furry, but I decided to be more civil. I think I clearly made my point in the lengthy post on the topic. I love babies, but frankly, I'm just tired of feeling bad for 85% of them because of the parents they are stuck with. Babies aren't the problem. It's the lack of foresight from adults...

Mickey said...

Hee hee. Meaghan almost unleashed the furry.

Aaron said...

No, no, don't back off! The last line was unnecessary. Babies are dumb. No, literally.

Mickey said...

aaron- I would never back off! Can't you see the sarcasm dripping in big, gooey, smirking globs from that last line?

Missyb64 said...

I'm a girl, still breedable, and I hate hate hate baby showers! But then again, that's just me. Surely you can find some more cool way to welcome the kid into the world, say a membership in the Tequila of the Month Club, starting on their 21st birthday. Or maybe a collection to pay for a trip to Cancun for their first Spring Break? Now those are shower gifts I can get behind. As for the koolade punch, nuts, and minner cheese sammiches, WTF? Do we want the kid to come out with bad taste in food?

Love your blog! Count me in.

Jacob said...

Hey, pimiento cheese sandwiches are effing awesome when made properly.

Mickey, human waste and gardens are risky partners. You can compost it to eliminate harmful bacteria, but do you think kim is going to let me start a big pile of composting baby poo?