Another baby shower in the office today. It's funny, because I didn't see a single baby there. Sort of like if you threw me a party but I didn't show up and nobody even cared that I wasn't there. Or more accurately, if I was technically in the room but suspended in fluid inside the abdomen of the person who actually got to open all the presents. And that sure would be weird.
That's where the shower is right now, the present-opening stage, and that's why I've retreated back to my hole to type out my bitter world view for your enjoyment. I've been to baby showers before, and if you've seen one pregnant woman feigning excitement over a brand new box of baby wipes, you've seen 'em all. The food even sucked. I'm the asshole who showed up with just a bag of chips, but those salt and pepper Kettle chips were a bastion of good taste among all the Wonder Bread sandwiches, warmed-over meatballs and melted Cheez Whiz. I half-expected someone to roll out a pitcher of Tang and a tray full of fresh Bagel Bites. That was a five dollar fucking bag of chips, man.
The only good thing, if you want to call it that, was the favorable male-female ratio of approximately 25 to 1. Even when two other guys from this part of the building showed up, it didn't effectively alter that ratio, if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Needless to say, I barely uttered a word the whole time because girls scare me, especially the procreating type.
I don't really even know the woman who is currently, as a result of the little humanoid parasite growing inside her, expanding in every direction at an exponential rate. That's why, when they passed the proverbial hat, I took a pass. The last girl to pop one out around here got a donation from my overflowing coffers, as will the next, but they're people I actually know and work with. I'm sorry, but (and here comes a huge surprise) since I may not necessarily appreciate your choice to multiply in the first place, I'm sure not going to encourage any future efforts by giving you a monetary reward this time. Besides, you don't even know my name.
I'm kidding. I love babies.