Thursday, January 31, 2008

Bowling for Comments

Holy shit! I don't mean to alarm you, but today is the last day of VANuary at Jim Cogdill Dodge! It's VANUARY, fuckers!


I'm sorry. The TV is really getting to me. And as if Mike Hatmaker (apparently the most articulate member of the sales team) hasn't badgered me enough into dropping twelve-nine-eighty-eight on a used Dodge Caravan, the friggin' Super Bowl of Commercials is in 3 days! It's also known in some circles as simply the Super Bowl, or, to the networks that aren't airing it, the "Big Game." Apparently there's a game of some sort squeezed in there.

No, I'm not one of those assholes that claims to only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. If you are then perhaps you didn't notice that the last time the Big Game featured a memorably clever or entertaining ad was before the cost of a 30-second spot climbed well north of a million bucks. Anymore, it costs so much just to get on the air that I'm surprised even the deep pockets at Anheuser-Busch haven't resorted to a half minute of grainy, handheld footage of your dad sitting in his Fruit of the Looms with his favorite can of pisswater in hand, watching himself on TV watching himself on TV watching himself on TV, production values and content be damned. Who knows, maybe on Sunday that's exactly what it'll come to, and I still won't buy their beer.

I also can't really claim to watch for the football. The last two rounds of the playoffs featured games played in Green Bay, one in a snowstorm and the other in sub-zero temps. The Super Bowl, however, will be played in Arizona under a roof, where it will be 68 degrees with no wind. That's not football weather; that's basketball weather, and basketball is boring.

But before I go and bore everyone by writing about sports, I'll cut myself off and just give you my prediction: Giants 31, Pats 28. Yup, Giants win.

Now settle down, New England! Just settle the frick down before I have to get Bucky fuckin' Dent out here to make you. I don't predict this upset because I actually think New York has a chance, but more as a prayer for the soul of the municipality of Boston and the whole of New England. You're whole identity is wrapped up in being the lovable losers and you've gotten away from that of late. I only want you, you hearty bean-eaters of the frigid North, to be comfortable in your own (obviously thick) skin, and winning doesn't become you. The rest of the country just doesn't know who you are anymore to the point where we're actually rooting for a team from (gasp!) New York.

I mean sure, if I ever turn gay (it is a choice, right?), Tom Brady will be right at the top of my list duking it out with Eddie Vedder, but I've got to go with the underdog here. Sorry Tom, go Giants.

Did I just publish that?


nancypearlwannabe said...

I am choosing to ignore this blasphemous post.

Until Monday, when I can rub your face in our crushing win. Suck it, Eli Manning. You and your brother can each cry on one of your mother's shoulders.

Courtney said...

Careful there. You have some readers in New England (see Tannenbaum, Noelle, and wannabe, nancypearl.)

I have no idea why I watch the Super Bowl every year. I never care about the game and there may be two or three commercials that make me chuckle, but that's it.

Aaron said...

Um, yeah, hi, another New Englander here. Who could give an eff about football, I grant you, but bringing up Bucky Bleeping Dent was just uncalled for.

Whatever. 2007. World Series.

The only way I would watch the Super Bowl would be if there was a commercial for Indiana Jones and the etc. There is not. I will not.

Jacob said...

Yeah, I used to like Boston teams and Boston in general (with a few exceptions), but there too many Patriots fans who just can't take any criticism of their team. I mean your team got busted for cheating. If you can't handle people commenting on that fact or rooting against your team because they like underdogs (and you're never the underdog), then you should probably just stop talking.

I'm not talking about anyone posting here, it all seems good natured, but there are a lot of overly sensitive idiots who are Boston fans.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I would just like to remind any fan other than Boston fans of the NUMEROUS years in which we won nothing, and in fact, lost every game ever. Do you remember a time when the Patriots sucked big time? And oh, the SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS the Red Sox lost? In a row? Because I do. So excuse us for enjoying a winning streak.


Allie said...

I'm always amazed that people actually like sports. It's like this bizarre ritual I just don't understand. To me, most of your post was in some kind of alien language.

Allie said...

Oh, but Vanuary? I am so sorry. It sounds like your local commercials are even worse than ours.

Mickey said...

Hook, line, and sinker.

Chris said...

Now if that auto dealership gets its "Vanuary" ad into the Super Bowl lineup, that will be awesome. Otherwise, we should probably expect a yawn fest.

I could really care less about the Patriots or Giants, but as a native Tennessean I feel some distant loyalty to the Manning clan.

So, Go Giants.

em said...

i find that a lot of men have alec baldwin on their "if i turn gay" list. why is that?

also, those jim cogdill dodge commercials are the most annoying commercials ever (well maybe not quite as annoying at the sonic commercials with the unattractive and weird man and woman couple). when mike hatmaker ends the commercial it sounds like this, "i'm mikehameker jimcogdodge." hate it.

Noelle said...

I have to correct Courtney here, I'm a New Yorker. Moreover, I'm a Jersey girl, and I happen have grown up in the town where Phil Simms chose to reside, so there is no part of me that is not a Giants fan.

Except for the part of me that gives fuck all about football and just watches the Super Bowl for the commercials. So I guess that makes me an asshole. But a darn cute one!

Mickey said...

npw- Thank you for playing along. I still say you've sold your sporting soul and you will one day regret it.

courtney- See noelle's comment.

aaron- Bringing up Mr. Dent was entirely called for, per the title of my post. I know my audience.

jacob- The cheating thing was blown out of proportion. Besides, I'm tired of hearing about cheating in sports. Let's just say everyone's suspect and move on.

allie- Alien language? It was barely about sports at all. And while local commercials can have their own low-budget charm, car dealers always tend toward annoying. By the way, now that Vanuary is over it's time for the REPO JOE SALE!!! at Jim Cogdill Dodge.

chris- We're keeping an eye on Tennessee while you're gone. Aren't they required to set aside airtime for local commercials? There's hope for Repo Joe.

em- Your spelling captured it perfectly.

noelle- Thank you for your honesty in the face of my self-righteous ranting. And I should really give Courtney a lesson in geography. I sometimes have to tell people down here that I'm not a New Englander, and I'm from freakin' Delaware. That makes me a New Netherlander.

Meaghan said...

Anyone else miss the Super Bowl at Jacob's? Sure we watched SOME of the game and commercials, but it was really all about the food and fellowship. Jacob, move back...

sid said...

I read the entire blog post even though all your references are totally lost on me. Loved the if I ever turn gay comment.

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Hugh J. said...

If I have too see another Jim Cogdill dodge commercial with the singing, I may go insane. He is single-handedly ruining my lazy Sunday.