The Red Sox can suck it

Now that the confetti has settled in the streets of Boston following the latest Red Sox World Series triumph and New England turns its sports-crazed eyes to the heroics of the greatest living human being, aka Tom Brady, I’d like to extend the following congratulations to all those citizens of Red Sox nation, especially those who hopped aboard the bandwagon around 2004: SHUT THE F UP ALREADY ABOUT THE GODDAM SOX!

Seriously. Back in ’04 we had to sit through all those retrospectives courtesy of Fox TV describing the 86-year suffering of the Sox faithful. They made it sound like Fenway had crushed more spirits than Auschwitz, and everybody bought into it. We all felt so bad for all those chowderheads whose poor grandads had cheered so mightily for their team through so much heartbreak only to meet their maker mere months prior to the magical victory over the hated Yankees and the sweep of the Cardinals in the Series. And that was all fine.

Problem is, we still have to hear it from them. Everyone still roots for the poor old Red Sox like they’re the kid who’s pulling up the rear in the 50-yard dash at the Special Olympics. And this is after their payroll bloated to a Yankee’s-like 9 digits and they won a world series! And what is it, after all, that people hate about the Yankees? They buy all their talent at prices no one (save the Sox) can compete with and they have obnoxious fans wherever they play. Just like Boston.

So please, can we leave the Sox-boosting to those who live in or originate from New England already? Besides, no team can touch the Chicago Cubs for duration of futility: next October will mark the 100th year since the northsiders last won a world championship. Of course, we all better pray they don’t make it to the World Series or Fox will put on another whine-fest, mid-west edition.